Under duress

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Mini post

A lightening quick entry as it's late – hop-along Eddie's waiting in the computer queue, and Graham's downstairs, so 'twould be rude to tarry. Is only to assuage my guilt, so what and how much I write is immaterial. Will be long and boring on the morrow no doubt.




Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Them's the breaks

Good news: the bank has decided to approve my loan after all.
Bad news: have inadvertently upset fellow student re Kurt bloc interview.
Good news: informative taster session on TV writing.
Bad news: left my super-dooper thermos flask in class.
Good news: borrowed a new audio book from the library.
Bad news: Eddie broke his foot.
Good news: productive band rehearsal, worked on lots of new songs.
Bad news: had to come home to my solitary bed.

So, a bit of a yoyo day really. Total bummer about Eddie's foot. Was tackled by a girl playing football during their PE lesson, and ended up with a cracked bone. Couldn't even take him to casualty as had to be in St Ives, so his mate accompanied him. Sent home on crutches but has to return on Monday to see the specialist to find out if it needs plastering or not. Hopefully not! Meant to have worked tonight as well, which is gutting - £20 worth of lost wages, and tomorrow night's too. Poor bugger. And here I was saying how lucky he was not to have been mangled in the big surf the other day, but gets messed up in an innocuous game of soccer? Mad.

Started jotting down a couple of ideas for a TV production pitch. Probably not going anywhere, but good to think creatively in that way. About the only creative thinking I've been doing lately! Must get the Not Writing article written up before I lose the thread, and should consider writing another poem maybe, for the 'Family' theme. But all I really want to do now is sleep.



Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Help, my eyes are frying

Not good. A ridiculous amount of time in front of this bloody screen today – both in college and out. Am huddled here, back screaming from prolonged tensing, wearing my coat to keep warm, wishing I was anywhere else/doing anything else. Can't wait til the Christmas break, although it looks as if we'll have a shed-load of work to be getting on with if Derrek's homework is anything to go by. A three page essay on the essay form, and a twelve page story following the basic structure. And these aren't even for assessment? No, we have to write another 3000 words for that, together with a commentary. Great.

Our day was really full, with a naff library tutorial scheduled in between the morning's session, and the IT class after lunch. What a nightmare that was. An hour and a half evaporated, with me farting about trying to get the background colours right on the template, and an image inserted. Left with it half done, and absolutely no text added at all. God knows how we're supposed to do it by the deadline? Even if I went in every day, I still can't actually do what it is I want to do with it, and most of it, I haven't got a clue about anyway. Mega frustrating.

Trundled through Penzance town after being dropped off, before heading home. Bought some kid Christmas presents on a kind of an impulse really. I'm sure that much rather spend the money on something else. I'm crap at choosing things for them – just like my own mother. Must sort presents out for her and my bro really, really soon.

Picked up my camera from the shop, repairs much quicker than I'd anticipated. First positive thing that's happened to me for ages! Called in to the post office to get a new-fangled 'large size' first class stamp. Wanted to post off a copy of my Ash Wednesday poem for the New Writer competition. Total waste of £4.00, I know, but I've gone and done it now. Also sent off as copy of my Geevor tin mine poem to the Kernow Poetry section in Cornish World magazine. Not a brilliant poem, but suitably themed. Had to go into WHSmith to find out the address to send it to. Wondered whether to apply there for a possible work placement, but they're based in Truro. Makes more sense to approach Inside Cornwall instead, as they're just up the road in Newlyn. Best get onto that asap.

Tried to pop into Natwest bank to see about setting up a new account with an overdraft facility as Sarah suggested, but I was 5mins too late. Went to the job centre to make enquiries as to what is happening with my request to review their decision on my claim, but no-one answering the in-house phones. More bloody shopping – quorn mince and onions for Lucy's food technology lesson tomorrow. Spag bol. Was proper tired by the time I got home.

Half a foot in, and I was bombarded with a request for eggs. Super cook Lucy, had started making cookies from my ancient Winnie the Pooh Cookbook, but we had no eggs. Nothing for it then, but to jump on the bike back to the shops.

Just enough time to sort dinner and eat some of it, before heading off on the scout run, with Lucy brandishing the walking stick that they're in the middle of carving, narrowly missing several parked cars on the way to ours. Could've done with a talking book – I miss not having one to listen to during these routine shuttle services. Must make a point of borrowing some more from the library.

Dropped in to a mate's on the return journey, as she'd said at book club that she had a spare printer I could have. Hopefully working, but needs a USB. And needs to have the drivers etc. installed – all very complicated stuff for me. Asked at the computer shop how much ink cartridges are for a Lexmark, and I think I can get re-fills there for £10. Not sure if that's reasonable or not? Anyway, will be good not to have to email assignments to myself all the time. And good for the kids' school work. Might have to ask Steve to help me with that one.

So the rest of the evening has been exceedingly dull, like my entire day really. Tidying, always the tidying, and making a start on Bill's book blog – 2 entries so far. Also tweaked and posted Happiness piece of writing. Spotted a glaring error though after I'd sent it off, and not enough time to edit in the 5min window they allow you when attaching the document. Set the story back in 1974 to make the 'boys' reminiscence plausible in terms of sophistication of language. Then tacked on an end para to return it to the present, 2006, as per the brief. Then realised that Ships and Castles – the swimming pool – wouldn't have existed 32 years ago. Bugger.

Will have to let it go though, too late now. A mountain of dishes awaits me, Oh joy.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Email frenzy

Have spent the past hour trying to sort out emailing documents to myself, to use in college tomorrow. Crazy really, it's for our individual website thingy that we have to put together, but I don't think it's worth it. Don't think anyone would want to read what I've written by any stretch of the imagination. Couldn't really find much in the way of images either. Tried to look on stock exchange, but couldn't figure out how to use it, so visually, mine's going to look pants.

At least I managed to get both Derrek's and Bill's assignments out of the way today, and email them to me as well (really need to try and get a printer sorted asap). Loads of things |I need to do actually. Getting loan forms and funding applications in being the most pressing. Also need to post poem off for competition. Won't get anywhere, but good to try. Could send me Geevor poem off as well to Cornish World. Flicked through a copy in Woolworths the other day, and they had a poetry section you could submit local poems to. And the Myslexia short story's still waiting for it's final edit.

Interviewed John in St Ives today about his Not Writing – really chuffed that he gave me copies of his limited edition books. Found what he had to say fascinating, but have no idea how I'm going to go about writing up an article. A random list? Juxtaposed word fragments maybe?

Popped into the gallery where he's currently exhibiting his text based art, sequential re-ordering and encoding, all the go. Liked it, but way out of my price range. Reminds me, I need to borrow some books on Kurt before interviewing him on Friday. And I still haven't started reading Mark Thomas's book in order to send him an email of questions. Arrrgh. Never enough bloody time.

That's it really. Apart from a brief flurry in St Ives, the stroll along Porthmoer alone, worth the trip. Waves were gi-normous – massive, at least triple over head, and clean. No way I'd go out in that. Madness. Eddie did of course, after college up at Mother Ivy's with Alex. Came home complaining something rotten cos he had to get out after only half an hour – Alex hit his head real hard and couldn't stay in. And then they had to get another guy out of the water who'd busted up his leg, probably in two places. Sounds like carnage. A mother's nightmare.

Haven't been too bad a mother on the Bad Mother front, although I did pretend that I was in Falmouth today when Billy's primary school contacted me to say that he'd hurt his head. Really didn't want to have to drop everything and go and fetch him. Turned out he was fine anyway, just a bump. As I expected.

And I passed on choir to get assignments done, which also meant that I could offer to both take, and collect, Lucy from gym tonight. No bad thing given that it was pissing it down at the time. So Good Mother brownie points there surely? Cooked a proper dinner as well (grovel, grovel). Speaking of mother's, a parcel from mine arrived today. Christmas goodies no doubt. Feel terribly guilty cos I forgot to ring her just before her moving date, and now she's gone and I don't have a forwarding address yet. Will have to email my brother. Feel really terrible about it though. And I still have to get cracking on the presents front - get something sent off in the post pronto.

Wow, it's way before midnight – what on earth should I do now then? More emails to reply to, but sick of that. Could research previous MA students' websites from last year? Need to find a copy of my employment CV to take in with me. Could be something vaguely useful to use from it.

Eddie's shouting random stuff above me in his sleep – always freaky. Worries me that he might have some kind of deep-seated psychological disturbance or something. Why else would he have these night terrors? Good reason to stop here, as hard to concentrate now.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Avoidance tactics

Have successfully managed to avoid assignments/writing yet again. Not good. And now I've got this bloody pop-up flashing 'critically low disc space' at me. No printer, overloaded system, firewall about to cease...it could all go horribly wrong. God knows what I'd do if all my work crashed and burned? Don't really have any back-up. A terrifying thought, which hopefully will never come to pass. Equally terrifying, are all the deadlines that are looming. Somehow have to try and keep up in these next 2wks, before we all have a well-deserved break. (self-directed writing week).

Gorgeous day today though, and so mild. Dropped Billy off in Hayle to get a lift to Plymouth for his gymnastics competition. Really grateful to his lift offerees. Not that I don't want to be a supportive spectating parent, but it's such a long way to go, and sitting indoors, in a stifling hot, airless hanger, watching endless rotations of kids vaulting and poncing about doing floor routines, is boring as hell. Sorry Billy, yet another clear example of my bad mother status.

Home to cook breakfast for me man, and then a truncated Lamorna loop walk.. Graham talked about photographing Penwith trees and putting together a little book – The Ba(l)dlands as a working title maybe? Old trees being such a rarity round these parts, the idea would be to flag up trees of interest, a bit of back-history, and accompanying notes, walking routes to find them, and of course, stunning portrait photos of the trees themselves. Wonder what Susie would think of that as a Non-fiction book proposal? Worth pursuing?

Back over to Hayle to take Lucy to juniors, and Rosie for a surf. Took my stuff just in case, although the intention was to sit in the car and write. But it was so sunny! And I hadn't been in in ages. Nowhere near as cold as I'd expected in the water, but a killer to get changed again afterwards. Think I might skip it now til spring – too old and too wimpy. And will definitely need to prioritise time better.

Shouldn't have, but did, go to the cinema to see the new Almaldovar film, Volver. Very good, but wasn't expecting it to end when it did. Think I was just enjoying it too much to want it to stop. Excellent acting performances, fantastic cinematography, and great script. Wish I could write dialogue like that. Have to write some for Bill's homework but haven't a clue what to do.
Couldn't join the others for a post-screening discussion in the pub, as had to dash back to Hayle for the third time, to collect Billy. Team gold, so he was chuffed I think.

Eddie returned from his weekend up at Porthtowan, made some pasta for both himself and Lucy which was very brotherly of him. Nice bit of team work happening lately – helping each other out. Hope it lasts, as I really need them to pull together. Good to see that Dunquirke spirit in action.

Now they're all snuggled up under me duvet, watching the latest David Attenborough Living Planet series. Meant to be amazingly fantastic, and would love to be down there watching too, but have to be disciplined. Graham's just rocked up as well – all very happy families. So that's probably about as much procrastination as I can get away with for one day. Time to get the pen out.


Saturday, November 25, 2006

Blogged out

Missed yesterday – cardinal blogging sin. Would've posted but too tired to do anything. Staggered home from a gig in my 50p snorkel parka, trudging through the rain, drunk with fatigue (not exactly rock and roll) and typing up a blurb really wasn't appealing. Besides, Graham turned up, so I had far better things to occupy my time.

Yesterday was pretty much a write off anyway, certainly didn't get any college work done. Had a Christmas shopping inspiration to get the kids ski goggles, gloves and thermals for their presents from Lidls, but they'd already completely sold out, even though they'd only come in the day before. Couldn't go in on the Thursday cos of being stuck at Falmouth all day, and then the mad scramble to be at Rosie's thing for 7.30pm. Total pain, as now I'm going to have to come up with some other idea. Really dreading Christmas this year, don't know what we're going to do?!

Modelled for David for 3hrs which is always nice. Must ask him for one of his pictures some time. By the time I got back, starving, grabbed some late lunch, and then the kids were back home. Free time vanished. Their dad phoned to blow out arrangements for him to have the kids, yet again. Same crap excuse as last fortnight – got no electric. How does the man function? I mean, how can you get through life, and be nearly fifty, and be incapable of sorting out paying an electricity bill? The consequence of which is, that you don't get to see your own children. Again. It's nuts, and it's driving me nuts.

Makes me so angry, and wound up, and then that spills out into how I relate to the people around me. Unfortunately, the people around me are the kids, so they end up copping the flack. Lucy threw a wobbly about going to gym again because of her chest – injured last Friday. I went ballistic as she'd been on the Weds and said it was fine; had come home from school telling me how fun football was etc., and then wimps out of gym?

Convinced she was just skiving I gave her hell, sent to her room under a barrage of shouted expletives, and nasty threats. I was so horrible and stressy, I had to remove myself – disappeared off for a swim. Spoke to the gym coach up at the leisure centre whilst I was there to apologise for Lucy's absence for the 3rd time that week, and to ask whether he thought it might still be a problem. He said, 'yes, probably is still pretty painful'. Well I felt terrible then. Evil wicked witch mother, chastising my child when she really was hurting. Had to beg forgiveness and say sorry, sorry, sorry a thousand times.

Played The Game of Life with her and Billy to try and make up for it, before dashing out the door to run to the Penzance Rugby Club – somebody's 40th birthday bash (seems to be our speciality lately). Was a good gig though, as everyone there seemed to enjoy it. Arrived as I left, trudging through the rain in my 50p snorkel parka, posting overdue library books through the slot on the way. Rock and roll.


That was yesterday. Am trying to catch up on myself, but I've just got back from working at the Acorn and Graham's come over to keep me company, so can't really tippy-tap the night away. It's quarter past midnight and we've got some serious shagging to do. He was so sweet this morning, took Billy up to gymnastics so that I could lie in bed a bit longer. Lucy came down to join me – cups of tea and Cornishman in bed, bliss. After he'd gone back to his place to unload all the band kit I couldn't avoid the chaos that was the house any longer. Hoovered, laundered and then Heidi came round to rescue me.

Went out for a walk on the moors – Men an Tol, and Ding Dong. Soggy as. Virtually walking in streams in places. Managed to drag all the kids out on a family walk for once which was a rare treat. Only minor squabbling and whinging at times, so not too bad. Eddie refused to wear his wellies as suggested, which proved disasterous of course, me and Heidi taking it in turns to piggy back him through the worst of it. Some very near misses in terms of him ending up in the bog.

Searched half heartedly for mushrooms along the way – found a few stragglers, but nothing worth getting too excited about. Not sure whether it's such a good thing to educate your kids about identifying such things, but they seemed pretty cool about it. Back home for cocoa and biscuits.

Really didn't fancy having to work tonight, Touching the Void, was showing on the telly and have always wanted to see it, but too late to try and get out of it, and need the pennies I guess. Toyed with the idea of going out to club 2K afterwards for the Trojan Sound System night (probably excellent) but far too weary – couldn't be asked. And listening to the music being piped down stairs in the Acorn – the songs of Nick Drake – wasn't exactly energising. Beautiful, haunting stuff, but soporific. Rang home to check up on the kids, and Lucy said that she'd just baked a cake! So much for my 'don't use the cooker' instructions every time I have to go out – safety issue. She'd left the sweetest little note on the table: Here's some cake for you, and enyone(sp) else who wants some, and some orange juice. Sleep well, Lucy.

Bless. Brought a lump to my throat. Anyway, Graham's in the bath, and I need to... move away from the pc. No lie in tomorrow unfortunately.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Crap day at the office

Day started off ok, but never really reached it's potential – story of my life. Disappointed in Bill's class to get the piece related to time back. He didn't get it. Wrote comments along the lines of,
'I'm confused'. And I thought it was pretty straight forward, not too cryptic. Totally deflating, think I might as well give up now. We're focusing on dialogue next, and that's always been my weak point. Great. Usually really enjoy his classes, but think I was too tired to enjoy anything today.

The afternoon's course meeting was mainly about options again, and I'm just as confused as ever. Also listened to the playback of both radio plays and I didn't rate ours at all. Again, disappointing. Final session was a non-fiction unit taster which I had thought might be a definite goer. Pitched my How to become a successful Life Model idea, and I could tell Susannah was less than enamoured. Great. What am I doing on this bloody course??

By the time we'd finished it was 6.30pm already. Sent some frantic apology texts to the kids, and to ask the older ones to sort some food out for their younger siblings, but when I eventually got back at 7.20pm, they were home alone with bellies a-rumbling. Could only stop long enough to reheat some left-overs before having to head out the door again to attend Rosie's school leaver's presentation night. Long, tedious and exceedingly boring. Endless hand-clapping for other people's children to collect their trophies and awards. Nothing special for Rosie, just the bog standard GCSE certificate. But I had to be there – had to show willing. Show that I have an interest in all that she is and does. Be publicly proud of her etc. and a good enough parent to make that sacrifice – endure a torturous evening of pompous speeches on her behalf.

But in doing the right thing by Rosie, it meant that I had to abandon Billy and Lucy, yet again. (On the computer during my entire absence which I find particularly upsetting). Bad, bad mother, yet again. I do actually feel really crap about it – don't know how damaging this will be for them in the long run. Can't be good to spend so little time with their primary care-giver, and they've got no other family to fill the gap. No idea what their dad's doing – he seems to have disappeared .

So, had to apologise profusely, and after clearing up the mountainous pile of lego, and assorted Artemis Fowl cassette tapes strewn across the floor, sat down for a nice family game of gin rummy. They knew I was but putty in their tiny hands when they asked to stay up to watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I was too much of a zombie by then to do anything else. Besides, I hadn't watched telly for months. Was nice to snuggle up under my duvet with them, shame it had to end as they had to go to bed. Shame I then had to do the dishes and rotate the laundry on the racks. Damn shame I couldn't just go to bed. Snuggle up with a good book – must make a start on Mark Thomas's – or better still, snuggle up with a Graham. He sent me a sweet text expressing the same sentiment earlier. Ohhh. If I'm awake enough to appreciate it, will be able to do just that tomorrow night after our gig. Craving cuddles right now. And reassurance. Really doubting whether I'm doing the right thing. My family should come first, and they aren't. Shit.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Bad Mothers

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

More tea Vicar?

Could do with a nice cuppa right now. So much for an early night at the Acorn – Quiz benefit, have only just got home. Us barmaids, 'Bard at the bar' came a disrespectful eighth, but at least we made the top ten. My limerick may not have won but I'm rather proud of it. The starting line was a given:

There once was a girl from Mounts Bay
Who fished from her boat night and day
When the weather was rough
O'er the side she did chough
Haulin' pots of both lobster and cray.

Ok, so it's not Bridport material, but any excuse to get the creative juices flowing is a good one.

Had our session of sub-editing this morning – the time just flew by. Really not as easy as you think, and I'm dreading the exam next month. I.T to follow, creating templates for our website – totally over my head all this stuff, so mine is going to look utter pants.

Tried to stay on to re-cap on last week's class which was about designing a down-loadable personal CV, but no free computers. A real access issue there. Can't do any of the work at home as don't have dreamweaver etc.. but limited time and space to do on campus. Plus, I don't have a clue what I'm doing without a tutor anyway?!

Back to Penzance to buy conditioner, toothpaste, sort laundry, cook tea, run kids to gym, scouts and film auditions. And go to work for 5hrs. Bloody marvellous. Think I deserve a nice cup of tea.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Misery guts

On a bit of a downer at the moment, probably hormones. Disappointed with bloc after all that effort. Only one of the four pieces I submitted actually made it to air, and that poorly edited. Some glaring errors and repetitions that I swear weren't in my original submission, which I'll try and make amendments to, if technically possible. The piece that I edited, sweated over for hours, came out looking really good, but then my name wasn't acknowledged as part of the editorial team. And my poem didn't make it – all pretty hopeless really. To top it all off, my profile had been altered – the jokey references to the word 'short' completely removed. What was left was completely lame, and didn't make any sense to me at all?!? Arrrrrrrrrgh. How embarrassing. Neither did the smiley picture of me get uploaded, so all that time, and hair-pulling, I put in to photoshop the damn thing was pointless. I'd emailed it before the deadline, twice. Hopefully just teething glitches. I mustn't bitch.

And Derrek's class was awful. Not so much the lecture, although it was still too rambly for my liking/understanding, but the reading out of our homework stories afterwards. Mine was crap, really dire. Had to fight the impulse to leg it. Embarrassing, and just so boring to read. Think I'm more suited to the non-creative essay form. Making stuff up is too hard. But having said that, I'm quite pleased with the piece I've just finished for Bill, experimenting with shifts in time. Hopefully I've got that one kind of right?

At least I received some second-hand feedback regarding our radio play workshop last week.
Apparently Paul thought ours was really good, and that we worked together as a team really well. Yay. Shame he didn't use any Pondlife tracks on the recording though. Never mind. Was a brilliant experience, really enjoyed it in spite of my early trepidition. More of the same, please.

Went to choir again tonight, which I probably shouldn't have done, cos it's now 1.30am. Only 3wks to go before we break up for Christmas – just as well, don't think I can last out much longer. Not that I'm wishing our final assessment pieces any closer! Not exactly a very jolly prospect.

Bah humbug.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Missed again, again

Am totally confused now. Because I didn't blog on Friday, started re-counting that day's exciting events in the previous post, but neglected to mention anything about the current day? Not that there's all that much to tell.

Spent most of the day cleaning – mess getting me down, desperately needed to dust and hoover everywhere. But pissed off as the day outside was such a glorious one. Dragged Billy and his mate up to Graham's to go for a moorland walk, but ended up doing some major furniture re-shuffling, and cleaning(!) at his place first. By the time we did get to go for a walk it had to be brief as I needed to take the friend home by 4.30pm.

Very studiously got stuck into Derrek's assignment before re-heating left-overs for tea. At last minute, had to rush out and fetch Lucy (who I thought was sleeping over at her mate's, but now wasn't – the girls had organised it without asking the brassed-off mother's permission first). So ended up with another sleep-over refusenik at our house instead. Meant that I was now stupidly late for work at the Acorn. Very stressy.

Was a fantastic evening of circus and cabaret which, unfortunately, I barely got to see any of. We were absolutely hammered all night at the bar, and by 1am I was dead on my feet and had to beg home. The set was stunning, such a shame they were only on for one night after all that effort, and they had sold out with many disappointed punters. Including Graham who was meant to be coming and staying at my place again. Not that I would've been much chop afterwards. Utterly exhausted.

Dragged myself out of bed at 8.30am to run Eddie over to Hayle for his lifeguard exam – thank fuck I don't have to take him for training sessions there ever again because he passed. Dropped in to the car boot for the first time in ages, vaguely thinking about Xmas presents, but also those elusive trousers. Did buy a couple of pairs which I have yet to try on, so don't know if they're any good yet. Home in time for Lucy's pancakes, and to harangue Billy into doing his stint of dishes.

A brief spell before heading back over to Hayle with little kids. Had planned to go for a surf, was psyching myself up to brace the briny cold. But the wind was onshore, and the waves whitewater mush, so went for a blustery beach walk instead – real Winnie the Pooh weather.

Visited the co-op to get some cash out, but of course ended up shopping. So fed up of constantly buying food. Collected Billy and Lucy, but then had to wait over an hour and a half for Eddie to finish up, to the point that we were freezing, and it was too dark to read Hero with a Thousand Faces any more.

Home. Dinner. Major row between Rosie and Eddie which inevitably involved me having to step in and referee. Me demonstrating how not to resolve conflict by screaming at the pair of them. Eddie storming off out in a huff. Rosie, no doubt, resenting me forever more. Eddie since come in and apologised – to both me and Rosie. Rosie, as yet, not ventured to say anything to me. Kids all downstairs watching the third film in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which is where I think I'll be taking myself now. Cuddle up with my kids, and mong out til bedtime. Yes.

Missed again

Another day's entry omitted yesterday – a slippery slope I fear. Am pre-empting the possibility that I may neglect my blogging responsibilities later this evening by posting now. Have to be at work in an hr and will be simultaneously attending to dinner during typing sections. Multi-tasking as usual.

Yesterday was a bit of a non-event day anyway, probably not even worth recording. A morning of administrivia but at least my application for a career development loan has been sent off, and documents required for a grant now photocopied. Paper shuffling really is the bane of my life. No word from social security regarding my request for them to review my claim for back-pay either. Would certainly come in handy – cover the course fees in full. Better chase that up next week if I haven't heard in the next few days.

Had seen a small clothes boutique with massive 'Clearance Sale' signs everywhere. Massive mark downs so thought I'd try and find a pair of desperately needed warm winter trousers. Gathered loads of bits to try on but then had to wait nearly half an hour for the one change room. In the end had to say through the cubicle door 'are you going to be much longer'? 'Sorry dear, didn't realise anyone was waiting or I wouldn't have taken so long', was the reply. Grrrrrr. Then after all that, didn't like anything anyway. Came away with a 50p pair of swimmers for Billy which he doesn't really need but can be a spare. Was starving by this stage so had to eat, just a snack as saving myself for later as had invited Graham round for dinner.

Tried to get some writing done but kind of hit the wall. Made the fatal mistake of sitting on my bed, then pulling the duvet over me slightly, and laying my head on the pillow. Woke up 20mins later when Lucy came home from school with a pool of dribble cupped in my palm. Mmm Mm, nice.

Interspersed the roast dinner preparations with a much needed swim. The less I do it, the more boring it becomes – am out of the habit of laps and it's exceedingly dull. Did have a sudden flash of inspiration for an idea for a non-fiction book, a tongue-in- cheek How to... manual on becoming a successful life model. (I hesitated for a second there as to whether to disclose my intellectual property, paranoid that someone would run away with it before me. But who am I kidding? a) it's a mediocre idea at best, and b) nobody reads this anyway! Panic over.

So dinner took longer than I anticipated, Rosie had to head off before it was ready, Lucy was already at gym, me and the boys were starving and couldn't wait any longer as it was gone eight, and started without Graham. He turned up eventually but I was in a right grump – had gone to so much effort to produce this amazing meal that he hadn't even bothered to arrive in time for. Not helped either by Eddie suddenly telling me that he needed to go up to Porthtowan tonight as the surf competition was going ahead on Saturday after all. Fantastic. All I wanted to hear when I'd promised the little kids a 'Family Night In' playing games etc.. And Graham and I were hoping to play some music together. Totally scuppered.

Graham came along for the ride, and we managed to call in at the Godolphin Arms in Marazion on the way back, to see Nigel, one of our sax players, in another band of his – the Soul Survivors. Great musicians, not so great covers. Could see Nigel cringing as we witnessed their rendition of that eighties classic, The Heat is On. Tasty. Office party atmosphere, and a private function that we clearly hadn't been invited to, dressed as we were, in our crusty clothes. So we escaped to the downstairs bar for a drink/Soul Survivor bashing session. As if we could talk?! Mere harmless banter, didn't really mean any of it. Chatted briefly to Nige afterwards. Poor bloke has now been officially ousted from the family home. He'd just come back from a trip to Japan to do with the school (he's a deputy head) to discover that his wife had found him somewhere else to live and he was no longer welcome. They've been struggling with marital discord for quite some time – five kids, not easy. Still seems a bit harsh though as he's such a lovely man.

In the end, we did play a bit of music – working on one of Graham's songs for me to sing. So late by this time, and so knackered, didn't last long. Heavenly to have someone to snuggle up to, even better to have someone to have passionate sex with (sigh). Slept like a log, but got woken up all too soon as Billy had to get ready for gymnastics.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Shoe box goodwill

Earning my brownie points tonight. Had neglected to gather all the bits needed to compile Billy's contribution to the Samaritans' Christmas shoe box appeal. I think it's a wonderful concept, and a timely reminder that for so many there is little to celebrate. Not only did I not have a shoe box – had to scrabble about in the attic desperately looking for one. Found a smallish cardboard box as a substitute. Then had to rummage through all the cupboards for things to put in it. Came up with a pretty good selection, although gutted the bubbles couldn't be included. No liquids allowed – new airline security measures I guess. Finally, had to wrap it in suitably festive wrapping paper and write on a card. So much for my early night. Hope Billy's pleased with my efforts even if they were last minute.

Feel obliged to function as both parents sometimes – try to compensate for their father's absence, and he is being diabolically bad at the moment. Having assured Billy he would be in this evening the kids went round. No dad. Another wasted trip, another disappointment. He's nailing his own coffin. Eddie showed me his profile on the Cartel website that's just been built/set-up. Fantastic photos and he's so young compared to the others, all of whom are either French or American – how cool is that! So proud, but will his dad ever know? Ever acknowledge his achievements? I doubt it.

I was proud of our group radio play today. Recorded this morning and edited in the afternoon. Required some severe editing but I think the end result won't be too bad. The actress that read the part of Mary was spot on I thought – really brought the character to life. Looking forward to hearing the final version next week.

Spent my last evening shivering in a damp car waiting for Eddie to do his life guard theory training. Big exam on Sunday which, hopefully, he'll pass. Meant to get on with some writing – a letter to my mum even – but too tired. Glanced at the Cornishman, but difficult to see in the streetlight gloom. My eyes are disappearing into their sockets. Crumpled bed awaits.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Addicted to blog

Utter madness. 1am already and instead of sensibly going to bed, I feel compelled to spew forth this daily tripe. Why? Surely it doesn't hurt to miss the odd day here and there? But no – I know how it feels to go without. I need my fix, my dose of blog therapy. Without it, I am nothing/nobody. This public domain legitimates my experiences – makes them purposeful, even if what I'm writing is complete bollocks. I guess it has meaning to me and I am my audience – my only audience.

Enough of the philosophy already. Just get on with the 'then I did this... then I did that' content.

Well, today yet another busy day. Intense compiling and re-writing of our radio script which is now ready to record tomorrow. Yeeha! Incredibly hard work, but well worth it – really glad I had this opportunity to have a hands-on go at writing for radio. Not the same just attending lectures or seminars – you really have to do it. Love working collaboratively too. So much better than trying to go solo – I wouldn't have the confidence to tackle something like that on my own.

Relief to finish up for the day though and head for home. Felt so late, but only coming up for 5.30pm when we were leaving. Another lightening turn-around once home. Left-overs for dinner – again. Then off to the Acorn; Eddie officially working, me supervising, and Billy came along to see the show. (Better than hanging round the house watching tele on his own). Was quite nice for me to sit and chill up on the balcony with him – mother/son bonding time. Should really encourage Billy to get involved with the Cirque de Ciel lot – he'd love all the diabolo and poi swinging, and stilt walking. Add it to the list (the very long one) of things I need to do.

Vascillated as to whether I should trek out to band practice or not given that it was already late, and I was extremely tired. Of course I went (it's all that guilt trip stuff again isn't it) and fortunately it was a cracker of a rehearsal – well worth making the effort. Really enjoyable, good fun and relatively productive. Resisted the temptation to stay the night, or at the very least, shag. Don't know what's coming over me. There was a time when you couldn't have dragged me away from a willing groin – never a good enough reason not to. And now..? Must be getting old. Boring. (sigh)

Regretting being sensible now, but too late. Best just crawl into bed and wank. A poor substitute for intimacy I know. Oh well, at least it should ease me into the land of dreams.


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Mary, Mary

Task of the day was to produce a monologue for a character called Mary for this radio play we're devising at college. Only 680 words but it took forever! Well, several hours anyway. Given that it's 3am already I will be brief. Wasn't sure I'd be up for the challenge, but actually I quite like what I've written. Feel as if I really know this Mary. Probably because I went off on one earlier today, producing an overly-long back-story which hasn't been needed but does provide real insight. Good technique to remember for the future.

Chaotic evening when I got back. Could do with a chef (and a cleaner, and someone to deal with all the laundry – spent an hour before going in this morning trying to catch up on domestic chores). Taxi on demand.

Felt like I was driving in circles – I was: Penzance to Heamoor then to Newlyn. Back to Penzance, back to Newlyn then Penzance. Up to Heamoor, down to Penzance then over to Hayle, and finally, home to Penzance. Madness. Me who hates driving, avoids it as much as possible, rides a bike. Couldn't even listen to an audio book cos I had to shove them through the returns slot late last night, hoping to get out of an overdue fine.

Book club was well worth going to. Didn't have a book as such, but talked about blogs. Good material for my reading blog...if/when I get round to starting it. Another manic day and I've got 31/2hrs sleep ahead of me if I'm lucky. Great.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Foul grey day

13.11.06 Foul grey day
Killing time in IT suite waiting for my car-share to complete some work. Doesn’t seem right to be blogging so early in the day, especially as not much of note has taken place. Got up. Got lift. Had lecture. Read short scene assignment. Researched magazine on web. Looked at web profile of former student – web based CV (very impressive). Got sucked into his portfolio. Ate lunch. Turned up for guest speaker - train delayed. Started filling in trust fund form. Checked diary for exciting events to come this week. Sent text messages to kids to apologise for a late return – won’t be back in time to cook Lucy’s dinner before she has to go to gym. Fell asleep, literally, in radio play seminar – not because it was dull, just so tired. Discussed workshop week ahead re radio play development. In group two: 10.45am start tomorrow.

Now here I am. Staring out wall of windows, looking at the foggy gloom that is today’s weather. Feel flat and dull. Uninspired. Tired beyond belief. Will probably muster up the energy to go to choir later, although will mean not being in for the evening again. Not spending time with the kids. If I can, will try to use the later hours this evening to have a go at re-vamping the piece I want to send off to Myslexia, but not sure I’ll be awake enough to do it justice.

Would be nice to just snuggle up in bed and watch crap tele, but can’t. Will probably have to make a belated attempt at Hero of a thousand faces. Reminds me, library books, and audio books due back today. If we get back to Penzance in time. Would be nice not have to do anything at all actually. The constant demands on my time are wearisome, and this is only week six? What have I done? Forgive me, I know not what I’m doing.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Films that ought to change the world

Just come home from some friends' new film club – inaugural screening – feeling very emotional. Called Rwanda Hotel, it documents the true story of a man and his family caught up in the Hutu/Tootsi genocide. A man of unbelievable courage, strength and character who saved the lives of over a thousand Tootsies who sought refuge in the hotel where he was manager. Who saw and witnessed the atrocities, and was able to get the outside world to take notice; risking his own life to safeguard the lives of others. An unbelievable story. So humbling, and sobering.

These kinds of things are happening in places even now. Massacres continue to occur and we do nothing to stop them. On the news the other night, Israeli mortars targeting a military outpost, missed, but hit civilian houses, killing and maiming dozens of people, mainly children. In Rwanda, the policy was to kill all of the children to wipe out the next generation. Over a million people were murdered, most of them hacked to death by machetes. I remember following the reports on the news in 1994; we were living in Australia at the time. Remember being horrified and sickened by the killings, but it soon became old news and was quickly forgotten. Paul, the amazing man whose story is told, and his family, now living in exile in Belgium, won't be forgetting in a hurry.

Before the film we watched our hosts' wedding video – not as cringe-worthy as might first be believed. Short and sweet, filmed and edited by a professional film-maker mutual friend, it was really lovely. Rosie did some of the camera work which was duly credited, and the poem that I wrote for them at the last minute, and nervously read out, is an add on at the end with a montage of images. Unexpected, as I had no idea that I was on camera. Fitting to be showing it in the same barn where they swore their vows, and with us as former wedding guests, present. Raising a glass of champagne, and munching popcorn, we toasted their continued happiness and good health.

In one of the window alcoves, the framed photo of Joe – Joe Silva, the stillborn baby boy who didn't quite make it into this world – was illuminated by a flickering candle flame. I could see his tiny fist bunched up next to his face. His parents, there in the room too. Next to me, another tiny baby snuffled his way through the film. Life goes on. Death is tragic, sad, terrible, but life does go on. I cried when I heard about Joe, everyone did. Wrote and recorded a song to express my sense of loss, show that I cared. Visited his beautiful woodland grave and tried to think peaceful thoughts.

I'm terrified that I may have to face such pain and grief; hope to god that it will never come to pass. That I go first, as is the natural order of things.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Hippety hop (not)

What a contrast. Last night the Acorn was heaving – full to capacity and a really good crowd. Felt like the good old days. Gig wasn't that brilliant but everyone seemed to be enjoying it. Bizarre really, especially as we've got loads of young fans, 15, 16 yr olds. A lot of them Rosie's mates. She spent 20mins chastising me for wearing too short a skirt. Now I'm forty, apparently it shouldn't be allowed. Pointing out that Madonna is way older than me, and wears far more outrageous outfits, didn't stop her from berating me – for being a whore as she put it, and for borrowing all her stuff. Talk about turned tables; it should be me giving her a hard time.

Anyway I was glad I went for the mini-skirt option. Lots of nice comments about how sexy I was looking which is always good for the ego, and for the confidence. Eddie's first stint behind the bar was a baptism of fire – ultra busy and a thirsty crowd, so not an easy time of it. Took it in his stride though, totally. Emma said he was a natural ( must be in the blood), and when I asked Eddie if he was ok, he just laughed and said it was a piece of piss compared to daffodils. Very true, but I was very proud of him none-the-less – telling everyone 'this is my son' the whole night.

Sleepless night, what with rampant shagging, and then Rosie staggering in from club 2K at 4am, and crash-banging about for far too long. Mojo, the fleabag wonder dog, also kept me awake with her scratching, and her delightful, hacking cough ending in a dry wretch.

Billy up relatively early to take himself off to gymnastics (bless), is finally becoming more independent, followed by Lucy who twisted Graham's arm to watch cartoons. I hate cartoons, hate kid's TV in general, but especially cartoons. Except for the Simpsons that is – the exception to my 'all animations are pants' rule.

Aborted attempt to have a girlie surf – rubbish, messy waves – so went for micro walk up Chapel Carn Brea. Wild and woolly, and had to negotiate piles of dog shit at the start of the path. Could hear the baying of hounds, and horns from what sounded like a hunt not that far off in the distance.

Having made cooked breakfast, and pancakes in the morning, I got even more domestic Goddess-like when we got home. Concocted a strange banana flap-jack dish. Washed a mountain of dishes, then helped Lucy get things packed for her lift to Bristol – another gym comp. tomorrow. Finally, finally got round to doing some writing. Even typed it up, so that's Derrek's h/work out of the way.

Then off to the Acorn for a lame night of hip hop. Actually the music and the performers weren't bad (some of them were bloody brilliant) but the audience were so few – seriously lacking in number – so it just didn't have any atmosphere. Plans to stay up and do some more work, chucked. It's 2am already, and I can't keep my eyes open another minute.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Another day at the office

Can't believe it took me two hours to shuffle paper round this morning; filing handouts, letters, documents and sorting recyclables. Putting poems in the poetry folder, archiving Open University guff, remembering the garden story needs sending off to Mslexia asap, noticing library books now overdue, re-discovering the newspapers with interesting articles in them – saved to be read but still haven't been, and panicking about homework deadlines as usual.

Good thing I was being all officey though as it was all becoming rather damp. Piled beneath the window by my bed, all the pages had that cold, limp feel to them. This house really isn't paper friendly. Or people friendly. Too dark, too cold, and too small.

Upstairs at the wretched computer again to edit the piece allocated to me for bloc: How to be an Independent Publisher. Took way longer than I anticipated. Hours. Hopefully I've done it justice, and miraculously, managed to get it down to exactly 1000 words. An interesting and potentially useful article too.

Tidied up the assignments previously done for Bill as requested, and uploaded them onto the Moodle system thingy. Not as difficult as I'd anticipated, but again, time consuming. After all that concentrated sitting, I just had to escape to the pool to do some lengths, 80 in all. Dull but necessary, and I did mull over some ideas for Derrek's homework.

Must get cracking now as playing a gig at the Acorn tonight – benefit for the Eco-op. Haven't told anyone about it, so will be interesting to see how many people turn up. We're not the only band but think we're the headliners – hope so, as otherwise they'll be playing without me! So do I go for sex kitten, sophisticated diva, or cool and casual? Whatever I can lay my hands on or borrow from Rosie – it's great having a hip and stylish daughter whose clothes fit you! Ditto makeup. I don't usually wear it so much easier just to use hers.

Will probably be stupidly nervous as always. Don't know why, should be relaxed and able to enjoy it by now. May have to go for a couple of tequilas to calm me down, get me into the spirit of things (apologies for the awful pun). Don't know why I'm apologising? Nobody actually reads this apart from me, and surely I don't need to excuse my own bad jokes. Oh well. I'll wish myself luck then.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

All that Jazz

Have finished listening to first audio book – yay! Now on to some weird one (the name escapes me) written and recorded by the guy who wrote The League of Gentlemen. Discussed Wuthering Heights in class today so am in two minds whether to slog it out to the bitter end, or start something new. Decisions, decisions. What I really want to do is go to bed. Just go to bed and do nothing. Or go to bed and drink tea. Or, even more radical, go to bed and sleep. Sleep, perchance to dream.

Has been a long, slog of a day, not helped by having everything around me falling apart. Loading bags and boxes of shopping into the boot of your car, when the supporting strut is so rusty it's snapped off, and you have to let it lean on your head to keep it open, is not fun. The printer's dead, washing machine leaks, fridge/freezer's on permanent hyper-drive, cassette player on sound system won't work, my digital camera's had to be sent off for repairs, my shoes have had it, and the car will have to be scrapped in less than five weeks.

Wonderful. The house is a tip with no time to clean it – was scrubbing the toilet whilst brushing my teeth last night. Dinner's are a disaster, I'm beginning to forget what my kids look like (& vice versa), and missing me fella too. Bed. Big and lonely, and full of crumbs not of my making, but that's where I need to be right now.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Kalashnikovs and other things

Am now the proud owner of a signed copy of As used on Nelson Mandela, and have Mark Thomas's personal email address – says he'll respond to questions re his writing if I want to send them to him. A coup for About Writing and bloc if ever there was one. Just need to work out what to ask now. Tricky. Will have to skim read the book, check out the website www.markthomasinfo.com and try to come up with some intelligible, useful lines of enquiry.

The man, irrespective of his campaigning, activism, politics, and humour, is a whiz with words. An extremely good communicator, who knows how to really 'speak' to an audience. Always incredibly credible, and inspiring. Do his talents know no bounds? And with much embarrassing blagging, I managed to secure a deal on buying two of his books so that I could give one to Graham, also signed, because his wickedly authentic replica Kalashnikovs, made for the Communist party last summer, were borrowed and used as props on stage for tonight's gig. But Graham couldn't come as it was sold out, and also because it's band practise on Wednesdays, which I skived from in order to see Mark. No contest, even though we've a gig on Friday and I'll probably be shite.

A full on day at college today, session in the morning on editing brain-teasing, but so informative. So many things that you just don't know about. And such an eye-opener to see how poor copy can be turned around, thanks to an editor's skill, to become an award winning book. Terrible that they don't receive the credit and acknowledgement they deserve though.

Popped into the Graduate Careers Fair briefly, and came back out laden with goodie bags and all kinds of printed guff. Scored a free copy of Wavelength magazine if nothing else. And a load of pens. And a few Cadbury's chocs. Picked up some leaflets I thought Eddie or Rosie might be interested in regarding voluntary projects overseas. Something I'd love to do given the opportunity.

Attended a seminar 'Ten Top Tips for Would-be Journalists' in the afternoon which did share some good pointers. Pity I don't have the time to start writing articles, and be immersed in that whole newsy world just yet. One day maybe. I'm sure it said something in my stars once that Geminis make excellent journalists.

So much more to do and think about. Need to get some ideas on paper now for tomorrow's class with Bill, looking at a filmic approach to Wuthering Heights. Still have to finish reading the damn thing. No time to be studious when I got back home earlier. Ran Eddie to doctors for blood tests – specialist appt. at the hospital in 2wks (hope it's nothing serious). Had to take buggered up camera in to be sent off for repairs, bank a Housing Benefit check, grab some fruit and veg, post letters – incidently, another trust fund reject letter arrived today. No news form surf federation yet. Cowards.

Anyway, the entire evening evaporated, although it was a nice moment to be eating dinner at the table together again (bar Lucy, who was at gym). Second night running – must be a record. Hard going trying to squeeze these family 'circle times' in, but squeeze I must. Try my best to, at least.

O joy, it's 1.30am – time to start the homework can you believe. I am going to age ten years, minimum, this course. O joy.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Ms Negativity

Really must stop complaining about the course all the time. Rosie's right, I'm being such a whinge-bag, (Fiona the Moaner), even I'm starting to get bored with my own negative attitude. Enough of the Eeyore mentality already! Ok, so it's 1.30am, again, and I'm blogging before bed having spent forever finishing off the homework for tomorrow. But it's my choice to do this, I don't have to, so why the constant 'woe is me' mantra? Not good. Have got to do something about it (and about the beating myself up for being a crap mother self-talk). I can do this thing. I will do it.

Go girl. Girl power.

Maybe I should stick post-it notes on the mirror? Every day and in every way I am writing better and better... See the writer in you... Find your inner pen... The write stuff... Lord, help me now!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Why does it take so long?

For me to write bloody essays that is. Had already hand-written a rough draft earlier today, and yet still took 2 1/2hrs to type and clean it up. Don't think it's only down to my appallingly slow keyboard skills either, but I'm never going to manage the major assessment pieces if it takes this long to finish a poxy essay! Really think I'm lacking the basic pre-requisites of a writer. Things like aptitude, talent and words-per-minute. This course is probably the most masochistic under-taking I have ever embarked upon – way beyond my comfort zone. Especially now, as I'm bursting for a pee but reluctant to intermit and leave this mindless wittering.

Reading and writing achievements for today? Read the letters page of the Cornishman as it happened to be open on the floor by my bed; a reject letter from the Noon Foundation regarding my request for funding; a ski holiday brochure enticing me to throw all caution to the wind and take the kids to the snow for Christmas – sod the fees (second installment due in January) and general living; plus five more pages of Wuthering Heights in my lunch break. Down to the final three tracks on the last cd of Jazz, shame really as getting in the habit of it. Do have another audio book on loan but it doesn't look as good. Wrote the essay entitled: People from up-country shouldn't be allowed to holiday in Cornwall; and a short note to John Clarke to ask whether he'd be prepared to talk to me about his book, Not Writing, for a possible bloc article. Apparently he's a bit of a recluse, so not holding my breath on that one. When you list it like that it seems pretty impressive, but of course, it's not.

Spent 5hrs at the Tate as the model for a life-drawing workshop based on the current exhibition of Roger Hilton's work. Wanted to see the W.S.Graham poems they had downstairs as part of it, but the gallery closed to the public now on Mondays, and they would've had to find a security person especially to accompany me, so couldn't. I do, however, now have my name on the door if I want to come in another time. Also, asked who was responsible for writing the artist blurb on the walls. The curator apparently. Must ask Mimi at Badcocks if she'd be willing to talk to me about the artist profiles they do for their publicity, and show brochures.

Went to choir, which was probably a stupid thing given that it's 1.30am already and I'm still doing this. Also because I've barely seen the little kids. Passed Lucy as I was coming home and she was cycling off to gym. Said she made herself some pasta, but didn't quite cook it for long enough. She ate it anyway, even though it was a bit on the crunchy side. Bless. Followed her up to gym to find out arrangements for the weekend as she's meant to be going up to Bristol again for another competition. Fortunately, they're sorting it for me so that she can get a lift up, and stay in someone's hotel room. If I was a good mother, I'd be making the journey up to watch, but there's no way I can spare the time. Will be hard-pushed to see Billy do his thing at Plymouth.

Billy staggered home from after-school football club and then promptly glued himself to a screen for the rest of the evening – either the television or the computer. How crap is that? Requests for them to do some music practise fell on deaf ears as usual. And now we never have any time to sit down and play family games, or just talk, or anything. Will this MA be worth it?

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bugger...missed a day

Wracked with guilt now for neglecting you, dear blog. Only a few short weeks and already I feel a deep connection, attachment, and missed you terribly last night. Just didn't have time with all the running around, ferrying kids here and there, cobbling a pirate costume together...and then sleeping in the van after the party. Just not possible to post my ramblings – so sorry.

Not that there was anything interesting to comment about. Certainly didn't get any reading or writing done yesterday. And another slack one today I fear as We're about to go off to a mate's place to do all that bonfire, fireworks, jacket potatoes, woolly hats and mittens kind of stuff. Will be good to see Heidi, definitely missing all the social interaction since starting this bloody course. I did try to do some work sat on the cliff at Hayle again, while the kids did their surf life saving training, but too hungover and tired I think. Certainly couldn't concentrate on anything. Napped in the sunshine briefly, wrote the thesis statement for my essay: People from up-country shouldn't be allowed to holiday in Cornwall, and jotted down a few points in bullet form.

Then read the course book properly for the first time, so now I'm absolutely freaking as I don't think there's a hope in hell in me being able to do the amount of work involved, to a high enough level. I'm doomed. Doomed. Will have thrown away three grand, and will have to live with the ignominy of failure. Half the time I feel like such a fraud when I'm there, not a real writer. Haven't got the imagination or ideas or creative flair. Too late now, I'm buggered. Will plug myself into last installment of Jazz on way over to Heidi's. Will try and work on essay and piece for Susannah when we get back, but really, all I can think about is a warm, cosy bed. No bed-buddy tonight though (sigh) could do with a human hot water bottle. At least I can manage to wear shoes now as it's feckin' freezin' out there. Gunpowder treason and plot, here we go.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Stupid tired

So tired, tired beyond belief, tired to the point that I feel I should be describing my physical symptoms, sensations, to some kind of sleep deprivation scientist. Squinty eyes as rough as sandpaper, achy, pressing pain across the entire front of my forehead, extreme fine motor skill dysfunction as I struggle to find the right keys. Brain dead pauses as I try to remember what it was I was trying to say. Look, it went into random italics then and I never even realised, didn't deliberately make a dash for emphasis. Just happened. Freaky.

It's no good, I am defeated. Cannot continue with this for a second longer. The cocktails are kicking in and I'm on the road to dreamland. But before I totally lose a grip, it's confession time:

I am such a bad, bad mother. Today Eddie asked, really sweetly, if it would be ok for him to get his hair cut at a barbers. He's 18, and never had a proper haircut, only me wielding a pair of scissors or clippers – badly. How sad is that, poor lad? He's never one to grumble. Proper job too – dead sexy (am I allowed to say that)? Not thinking straight. Need to go to sleep, now.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Hard work this parenting malarky

Should've been spending my time tonight working on assignments, or god forbid, chilling out, relaxing. But no, have just spent 2hrs composing/typing a letter on my son's behalf regarding his bodyboarding. Purely because its a way that I can show my support given that his ambition is to be a professional boarder. Not easy, as its such a poor profile sport, and I don't have money to invest in him. Just time (precious little) and interest. Have to remind myself every time I whinge at having to drive him to this beach or other, that that's what parents do. Even if it is now 1.45am and I'm desperate to get to bed.

Just had the phone ring too. Immediately panicked thinking that it must be my mum in Australia or something, who else would ring so late. Dreading a call like the one which informed me that my brother was in intensive care, paralysed, may not pull through, probably never walk again. That was 14 years ago and he's been in a wheel chair ever since.

But no, it was the ex, asking to meet for coffee tomorrow at 10am to discuss the children. Great. All I need on my day off as it were. A load of grief and hassle.

Long, long day at college, Thursdays always are. Interspersed lectures with bouts on the library computer. Tidied up my 'hope' poem, and Bill also kindly gave some helpful suggestions which improved it no end. Haven't written a poem for ages, so nice to do so. Checking emails always seems to evaporate the minutes also. Guest speaker Brian talking largely about Dickens tonight. Sort of interesting I suppose – the best-seller vs. literary tome debate.

But just desperate to get home as feeling tired, cold, and hungry. In the morning, I'd rung to arrange a viewing of a car, seeing as mine is going to die a dramatic death next month. Said 7pm, as would be possible to call in on way to taking Eddie to Hayle, although he was actually meant to be there at seven too. Picked up a message on my mobile from Lucy – at a friend's house near St Buryan, needed picking up at 7pm. Great. A 3-way split.

Nasty accident with lots of police cars, fire engines and ambulances on the scene, closed the road which meant a major detour, and an extra 25 minutes to our journey, which meant, I didn't get home until...seven! Billy and Rosie hadn't had any dinner, so threw some pasta in a pot before leaping into the car. Quick call to the man with the Peugeot for sale, who calmly informed me that he'd sold it to someone else at 5.30pm – even though I'd been the first caller, had explained that I'd be stuck at college all day, but would be there 7-ish. Arrrrgh. Great.

So sat in car waiting for Eddie to do his do – exhausted, freezing, and starving. With the delightful pages of Wuthering Heights to keep me company, but it's hardly what you'd call a warming, up-lifting or nourishing book. Listened to some more of Jazz on the way home too. Less than light also. And so now to bed, to wake my neglected darlings bright and early, ready for another school day.



Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Poetic madness

Madness to be farting around writing poems at this time of night when I should be sleeping. Trying to concentrate, drunk with fatigue (Wilfred Owen), rattled by Eddie's snores, huddled in my parka, slitty eyes barely conscious of the screen. Has been a long day. It's 1.30am – what am I doing? Waffling needlessly. Drifting in and out of comprehension. Sucked into the relentless blog cult.

To bed, to bed...please. Here's the poem – untitled on the theme of hope:


The expectation is there.
Sparks shoot from finger-tips.
Loose tongues and excitable lips, moist
with anticipation, form
an idea, which germinates,
translates, which transcends translation and
winds up igniting dark corners.

The hope is there
that this time will be different, will
make a difference, will
warn us against the pitfalls of
closed minds, closed eyes, blind.

The hope is there
that it won't miss the mark, this time, to
slide unnoticed, un-understood
into the carpet until
there is nothing there,

nothing,
but the faintest
glimmer.