Not so roving

Have just been sitting in my car, debating whether to drive out to band practise or not. Pointless turning up so late really (half eleven now) but I hate missing it – hate being left out, and like the therapeutic side of singing and making music. Plus the social side of hanging out with the Pondies. But my body said 'No'. That's twice now in recent weeks that I've actually listened to my self – been aware of the fatigue, brain and muscle ache, the call for sleep...must be getting old. Ordinarily I'd completely disregard any reluctance or protest and just soldier on; force myself through the exhaustion and pain barrier. Totally nuts. But have ground to such a halt tonight I can barely type. Eyelids drooping; fingers uncoordinating; upper body wilting forward – dreaming of bed but all I can hear is the football commentary down below, as Eddie gets his manly dose. Really he should be getting an early night as he's got another A-level exam tomorrow; and if he went to bed now, then I could.

But no, I must blog instead. Write about my uninteresting day which involved a laundry blitz first thing, before heading to the office. Decided on Trereife in the end as couldn't face the driving, or the loss of time travelling. According to the Gardens in Cornwall website it's open all year round, but not until 11am, so I decided to blat out the review on Mike Sagar-Fenton's Serpentine book to plug the gap. Trickier than you'd think, and more time-consuming too.

Cycled up to Trereife then lunchtime-ish, nobly resisting the pasty lure as I rode through town. Sailed straight past the entrance as it wasn't open after all. Considered whether to go home and swap over to the car, and jaunt up the line to an alternative garden, but eventually decided to go up to the house anyway to ask the state of play. Tim Le Grice, the current owner was out doing something with horses with a couple of people when I arrived. Before I'd even played the 'intrepid reporter' card he said I was welcome to wander through the gardens free of charge (which I thought jolly decent of him). He also apologised for not being able to give me a guided tour as he was busy at the time – a practising solicitor, he had a client to see at the time.

Went for a wee wander with pen and notepad in hand, not really sure what it was I should be writing. Tried to take some photos but the battery was flat. Sheepishly went round to Mr Le Grice's office to ask if I could plug it in to recharge for ½ an hour, which he agreed to, the room with the plug being this ancient/fusty old office/library. (Took a photo later of the bookshelves – wish I'd had the guts to ask my host if he'd pose for the camera too – would've been quite a coup. But I didn't, so opportunity lost there).

Enjoyed the peace of strolling round the grounds, but can't say that it's all that exciting a garden; not exactly up there with the greats – but nice none-the-less. Was soon zooming back to the office, where I made a start on writing the feature, but before I knew it, it was after five, and a dash home via the co-op was next on the agenda.

Whipped up a curry, had ten minutes watching the news, then off out again to the Acorn. Got to watch the second half of the play for the scene that Rosie was in (she was a lodger in Steve Berkoff's adaptation of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis). I thought the play sucked, which was a pity, because the actors were good. Would rather see something entertaining, not post-modernist weird. Incredibly proud of her in a mother-kind-of-a-way. Not exactly sure what Billy and Lucy made of it!

Forgot that it was rehearsal night though, and lingered chatting to Beth after. Hence the failure to make it tonight. Oh well, not the end of the world. At least I had a chance to do this relatively early, and seeing as there's a massive pile of dishes in the sink still needs doing (bloody useless kids), probably for the best. Am tired. Very.

Out of sync

Struggling to get back into the blogger routine. Too much to write about as so ultra busy. Need to be keeping a record of my time at CW before I forget, but have already slipped behind. Given that I left home shortly after 9am this morning, and didn't leave their offices until gone 6pm, it's been a long day. Made a start on the article about running shoes, with assignments on a garden of my choice, and UFOs in Cornwall to follow. Not sure how I'm going to manage to churn that lot out on top of the book reviews I've been asked to do? Not to mention the prep I need to have done for the business and non-fiction options when the course resumes next week.

Work, work, work bloody work. Wish I was back on holiday already!

Squeezed in a quick visit to Graham's after I'd dropped the kids off at scouts. Felt really envious that he's spent the past week or so gardening, and sorting out his place. Enjoying being out doors instead of hunched over a computer. Ok, so he's flat broke (as usual); owes me money, and his overdraft even more so, but at least he's having a nice time about it. Can appreciate the little things in life, not stress about deadlines, workload, commitments, responsibilities... Oh for a simple life. One day.

One day I'll be able to slow down (will have to slow down – can't keep up this punishing pace forever)! Until then, it's post-midnight bedtimes for me; no leisure and no sex. If I can prop my eyeballs open long enough, will attempt to read through the recent back issues of Cornish World I have, to get a sense of the style required for the garden feature. Tossing up whether to go for Tereife – cos it's nice and close, and I can cycle there. Or go further afield and make a profit on the fuel allowance, as well as receive a refund on the entry to somewhere more expensive that I wouldn't ordinarily go to. Will decide on the morrow I guess.

Sorry blog, please forgive me.

Feels so strange to be writing this after a lengthy absence. A whole week and a bit! Did keep a paper diary during our French Alp sojourn, but don't have time to type up/post right now. Don't have time to do this either as it's nearly 1am already, and I've a busy schedule tomorrow – out on my first assignment for Vitality Matters/Cornish World as part of my work placement. Have to drive up to Wadebridge first thing to interview a woman about her business Cornwall Running Store, and how her shoes are good for you. Can't wait. Will reveal all in tomorrow's episode.

What a day

Non-stop. Am about to collapse in a snotty heap – totally shattered, and coming down with something evil. Great. Had hoped to have finished assessment stuff tonight; finalised tomorrow; printed off, and in the bag for Thursday hand-in. Unlikely now. Especially as I still don't have a functioning printer set up. Will cost a bomb if I have to do it all at college.

But I expect I'll be struggling to even get out of bed in the morning – feel like utter shite. Splitting headache, nose streaming, and feeling kind of shaky. Can't face the dishes, but have to sort the wet laundry out, before it needs re-washing. If I can only get through the next couple of days....

Getting there

Slowly, but surely, working my way through the assessment task list. Nearly, very nearly completed the Critical Rationale for PWR3. Would've carried on with it, but it's gone 2am already, I had my blog to write(!), and an early start tomorrow, followed by a long day. Been a long day today. Seemed to pass exceedingly quickly though. Squeezed in a mountain of things as usual.

Started off by cycling Billy to school – haven't done it in ages, but he was hideously late, and I wasn't prepared to drive him. Was the nicest part of the day really, ultra mild, and zooming down the hill, always a buzz. Grabbed some shopping at the Co-op, and more fruit and veg on the way home. Intended to get stuck straight in, but the relative warmth made me think I should scrub the mold off the girls' bedroom wall – with the window open, would have half a chance of drying. Am so fed up with battling against mold; can't wait for the day when I'm living in a centrally heated, spore-free house. In my dreams.

Took longer than it was supposed to of course, as did the laundry. When I did log on, wasted loads of time browsing other people's websites to glean some style ideas for mine. Needn't have bothered, as wasn't at all useful. Typed up a load of semi-pertinent quotes, that will hopefully be useful, but who knows. Pearls of wisdom like:

Whenever I have to choose between two evils, I always like to try the one I haven't tried before.

Mae West

Poetry often enters through the window of irrelevance.

M.C. Richards

Words are a form of action, capable of influencing change.

Ingrid Bengis

Cycled down to DPN – Digital Peninsula Network, to meet up with the lovely Nick, who foolishly agreed to help me with my website. Disregarded, totally, the rubbish set-up as done at Falmouth. Came up with a funky header of Fi Read (writes...) which is rather clever. And then a sophisticated, textured parchment background with all the menu bars in place. Took 2 1/2hrs, so now I'm feeling incredibly guilty for having imposed on his goodwill – think I'll buy him a 'thank you' bottle of wine, and drinks on me when next he's in the ACORN. I even had to dash off to the ACORN part-way through for the bar staff meeting, while Nick had a fag. Arrived in the nick of time for shift allocation; relieved not to have missed out on that.

Eventually headed home just after 5pm. Had just missed Lucy, who'd gone to gym, leaving a trail of pasta twists in the sink, and exploded pasta sauce in the microwave. Cooked everyone else's tea, shoveled it down (was so hungry), then snuck out to drive to Breague, and pick up the boy's bike offered on free-cycle. Filled up with diesel on the way – amazed that the tenner I put in previously lasted 162 miles; the Fiesta would've struggled to make 100 on that amount of petrol, so well chuffed with the fuel economy!

Well chuffed with the bike too – hopefully so will Billy be when he gets it for his birthday. Super dooper, blue, virtually brand new model with suspension, and 15 gears. Bought for their lad who was born with one leg shorter than the other, various operations meant that he'd grown out of it with little use. Made the mistake of asking how the latest op went, only to be told he'd had a below the knee amputation – now what's the etiquette for responding to that?

Anyway, really pleased to have sorted Billy a decent bike out, will have to smuggle it down to the cellar when he's not about. One day, I'll have a house with a garden, with a shed, so we won't have to trip over all the bikes stacked up as you come in through the front door...

Word count neurosis

Who'd have thought this course would be so mathematically demanding? Juggling pieces of work, and doing slap-dash edits, to reach the target figures. My counts are over their limits, but I'm presuming there's a 10% leeway. Better be, or I'm stuffed.

Too much pottering this morning, meant that I was slacker than I shouldv'e been, regarding study, and getting stuck in. Did the usual 'check through emails' diversionary tactic, and was chuffed to find my response to a Billy-sized bike on free-cycle came up trumps. Rang to get instructions for collection, so with any luck, that'll be his birthday present sorted, (just hoping it won't be on the small side – said aged 7 – 11, and his current one's more like a five-year-old's deadly treadly). Will certainly dispense with the agonising over what to buy.

Eventually settled down, copying and pasting yesterday's work onto the required form. Shows up how crap my IT skills are, as spent ages trying to re-size tables and columns, and never did work out how to insert page numbers – having to type them in instead. Every time I thought I'd just about done it, it would go all weird again. So frustrating, and such a time waster. Also had to assemble all the papers I'd somehow managed to scatter all over the place; re-organise things, ready for the next phase.

Abandoned ship to head over to Wendy's, and go for a walk with a few other people. So nice to get out in the countryside, and walk along the coast path. Took a bit of a convoluted route, towards Mousehole, and up into the hinterland – absolutely starving by the time we'd made it back. Found a pair of size 10 rigger boots along the way; soggy, as they'd clearly been left out in the elements for some time, but otherwise, in pretty good nick. Shame they're too small for Graham – will have to find another deserving home for them instead.

Helped with the dinner prep briefly, before joining the others in the lounge. Was hilarious, as everyone was sitting around, reading the weekend papers, as if it was a public library reading room. Played a game of Downfall with Billy, before retiring to the sofa.

Glanced through the magazine supplement, reading an article on the recent death of a Brazilian supermodel from Anorexia. Grim. Then proceeded to pile mountains of delicious nut-roast and veggies on my plate, as dinner was served. Why is it that food always tastes better when someone else has cooked it?

After, we all played a game involving describing and guessing famous people/characters. In two teams, there were three rounds: the first where you could give an indefinite amount of explanation, or clues; the second, a one word clue only; and in the third, you had to mime. Brilliant fun. Really must have people round mine for a meal soon – love having company, and it's so nice when the kids can join in too.

Had to cut the visit short though, knowing that it was school etc. tomorrow, and that I needed to log back on to do some more work. Have now selected the pieces to analyse for PWR3, so that's a step forward. Means that I should be able to just get on with it tomorrow; get it in the bag. Will be an incredible feeling to hand it all in, as I'm pleased with the work that I've produced to date, and know that it will easily pass. If I wasn't such a perfectionist, I probably could've churned out something in a quarter of the time, but I just can't do things half-arsed.

A busy day for me tomorrow - best call it a night. Hopefully the football that Eddie was watching has finished by now, and I'll actually be able to go to bed. One day, one day... I will have a room of my own.

Just a quickie

Bit like how I started my day really. Not that I'm bragging or anything – my sex life has very little to be desired (pun intended) – but a shag first thing, has to be a bonus.

But that was hours and hours ago, and I'm about to slip into a very cold, lonely bed. Am aching all over from being hunched over the keyboard – ergonomic, my chair is not. My neck's been killing me all day, and now my back's beginning to protest too. Can't be good for you this study: fresh air deficiency, immobility, and social isolation. Really wouldn't recommend it. Think I'm going to have to skive tomorrow (for at least part of the day anyway), and get some bleedin' exercise, in good company – take up Wendy's invitation to go on a long walk, followed by food at her new luxury penthouse pad.

I did stay in, virtually all day, escaping only for an hour to join in with the mulled-wine celebrations on board the Jasmine; the finally refurbished new home to some friends of ours. Incredibly over-run with babies and small children, which always feels slightly weird. Was over-joyed though, to find out from another mutual friend, that she's pregnant again. Having experienced the trauma of a still-birth only seven months ago, this is absolutely fantastic news. Fingers crossed.

The kids were great at amusing themselves more or less today – Billy at gym this morning, then went to the cinema with some mates, before going to their house, where I picked him up at 6pm, to go to Nippers (swimming up at the leisure centre). Lucy, had a less energetic start, but did go off to a birthday party, coming back here with one of her mates, before accompanying me and Rosie to the boat, and then going swimming later as well. Thank god for leftovers – really wasn't in the mood to cook.

Had a cuppa and catch up with Helen, as her boys were doing the swimming thing too, but for the rest of the evening it's been nothing but Critical Rationales. It is with great relief that I can report having completed the one for PWR2, Bill's stuff. Only PWR3 to go now. That, and all the final tweaking, proofing and self-evaluating for all three units. No idea which pieces to select for the the third unit. Terrifying really. I suppose I'll just have to choose things that demonstrate the wide variety of my writing expertise. Yeah, right.

Well it's gone 3am, and I was up even later last night. Plus my throat is suspiciously hinting at me that it's about to narky; is dry, sore, and kind of lumpy. Didn't write this anywhere near quick enough, so that's that for me tonight.

Tedious

That's what my day's been. Struggled to get out of bed – severe lack of sleep already catching up with me – and I know I've got a week of it to come. When the kids had gone off to school/college, I revived myself under the shower, and then with unprecedented discipline, proceeded to start studying. Somehow ploughed through the day on a grapefruit, two pieces of toast, and a cup of tea. Lucy, did very kindly bring me a second cup at half three, when she'd come home from school, but other than that, no interruptions or, or distractions of any kind. Amazing.

Not that it made a great deal of difference. Considering I only had to write 1000 words of critical analysis for three pieces of work as part of PWR1, can't for the life of me understand why it took seven hours?! So depressing. And I still have to do a final proof on the pieces of work themselves.

Fortunately, Nick from DPN rang to cancel the appt. we'd made to look at my website – too busy. But we did talk about a few ideas over the phone, and rescheduled for Mon. 2.30pm, so hopefully will be able to get it done then. And hopefully, in quick enough time so that I can make the ACORN bar staff meeting at 4pm.

Logged off in a mad panic earlier, to get Lucy's dinner sorted etc. for gym, and then to the fruit and veg shop to get some things to make Moussaka . Tedious, fiddly dish to make; all these separate layers, and excessive number of pans to wash up after. Does remind me of Greece though, and dim distant travels there, many years ago. Mediterranean sunshine and flavour.

Was in a well grumpy mood by the time Graham turned up for dinner, thanks to Rosie being a cow – refusing to pick up my dress from her floor, as she'd decided not to wear it in the end. My dress, that I've had for 23 years , but is vintage 50's, so at least 50 years old now. Hate being defied. Don't care if I'm bossy – I'm the mum, and I will be obeyed. Withheld her £10 as a result. Punishing by money seems to be only way unfortunately; would rather barter in a different currency. Also shouted 'and don't bother coming home' as she sassed out the door, which is a strategy I wouldn't recommend. Clear example of my bad, bad mothering. Slap my wrists.

So much for maybe having some free time this weekend. Tonight's out, Graham's here – currently in the bath – and after, I promised I'd help with his lines for the Panto. Dorothy, here I come. Will need to venture out for a drink later, as I'm starting to go a bit stir crazy, stuck indoors all day again. Fancy popping into the studio bar, as not been there before, maybe a walk round the harbour first. More wine. Some song, and a night of unbridled passion ahead. Not sounding quite so tedious now.

Why? How??

Am I still awake?!? Half one in the morning, and here I am dutifully doing my blog, even though I should have gone to bed hours ago. It's not as if I've spent the evening being ultra productive? Home, late, which must count for something I suppose. No sooner through the door, than at the stove, as my lazy offspring ignored the suggestion – nay request – that they sort themselves out with their own dinners. Typical.

The rest of the evening kind of disappeared in a blur of laundry, hoovering, and shopping at the co-op. Played a couple of hands of gin rummy, as felt obliged to spend some mummy-time with the little darlings – especially as our paths crossed yesterday for a sum total of 45mins, 40mins of which I was busy, the remaining 5mins used up bolting down my badly cooked food.

Finally got around to sitting at the dreaded computer, rather late in the evening. How stupid is that? Decided that I wanted to email a copy of my Nepal story to Bill, purely because we'd been looking at travel writing in today's session. Really enjoyed it, almost to the point of being inspired. I guess, deep down, my dream job still is to be a travel writer. Not sure if there's much of a market for 48yr old travel writer's though, as that's how old I'll be when I'll be freed up to do something like that. Billy will be eighteen then, and in my books, on his own.

Anyway, very cheekily, I've sent off into the ether for Bill to either ignore, or look at, as he chooses. Really, all I'm after is some kind of indication as to whether there's a smidge of potential there, or whether I should lower my aspirations somewhat, and stick to the bar job. Was so good of him to comment on the 12page story, so don't want him to spend time on me, outside of class, again. Briefly looked up the urls he posted for his on-line work. Liked the Erotic Emergency one, that's for sure, but ran out of oomph to read the other just now. My brain's too tired, but will do so soon.

Had a chat with Tom to try and clarify my options. Looks like I'm doing Business. So doesn't sound like me, but I'm pretty sure it's the right choice. Hope so! I hate making decisions, and the more critical they are, the harder it is for me to make one. The benefit though of having committed to Business, is that now I can get on with the assessment stuff, without niggly distractions. Really must knuckle down and get on with it. Don't want to be up all night Weds, in a last minute panic.

Have to make sure that it's all perfect, proofed, formatted as desired, saved to disc, and professionally perfect. And this, after I've written the rationales. And I still need to decide (great) which pieces/things to include for the PRW3 portfoilio. Reminds me, must remind Duncan to email me Eden Heights script, so that I can revise the editing changes that were made, and possibly use some of that as demonstrating my writing.

Tonight's guest speaker was really good. Alex Wade. Lawyer turned writer, who gave us the spiel on libel. Reassured me that if I go ahead with the book-about-me project idea, then I'll be fine to write about Terry, provided I tell the truth, and can back up any statements and claims with evidence – e.g. court documents, written contempraneous documents, witnesses etc. Also, not to get too stressy about the modelling on the side thing. Its survival. In reality, the bloody thing's never going to get published anyway, so its all academic. His forthcoming book's called Surf Nation. Said I'd buy a copy of it when it comes out, provided he signs it. Or maybe I should wait for the paperback version? Anyway, was a fascinating talk, on an essential subject, of which we really need to know a lot, lot more about. Certainly stayed wide eyed, and surprisingly awake, throughout – even with insufficient sleep.

Picked up the long-promised free-cycle printer on the way home. Looks kind of old and clunky, but don't care, so long as it works. May have to try and get hold of Steve tomorrow. See if he's up for helping me install this one, and more importantly, try and add some more hard-drive, before this poor thing conks out – dies a death. Still haven't had a chance to plug in my new toy data stick yet, so its not allowed to crash yet. No way.

Anyway. Bed. Before I get started on some other ranty bollocks. Got lots of work to do tomorrow.

I must be mad

No-one else is neurotic enough about their blog to come home at 2.30am, after a long, relentless day and immediately think, 'Ooh. I'd better go upstairs ans log on the computer because I haven't done my blog yet'. Crazy. At college all day, home at six which was just enough time to sort dinner, bolt my food, and then back out the door to model in St Ives. Not done it for a few weeks, so really exhausting, (never appreciated 'til now, that I could be modelling unfit)! From there, straight over to Graham's for band practice. Was flagging when I arrived, but we had a good session – always an energiser.

Had some chat time with Gra afterwards which was much needed; casual conversation to begin with – we see so little of each other, there's always a lot to catch up on. His latest rat capers on this occasion. Eventually we got around to talking about last Friday's gig. Was temporarily heated, but thankfully, didn't degenerate into full scale war. Kind of ended on even ground, so that's reassuring. Really don't want to be busting up/angry at each other over something so trivial. It's a band issue – shouldn't be personal. Had to reluctantly drag myself away, as seeing as we'd made up, thought it only appropriate that we kissed. Make love, not war I say... but it was stupidly late, and we both have early starts in the morning. Popped the imminently overdue library books through the returns slot before coming home, and now I am here, I should be going to bloody bed. Another long college day tomorrow. Will get 4hrs sleep if I'm lucky. I should've been a prime minister.

Disappointing

One of those real non-event kind of a days. Nearly started off disastrously, as I fell back to sleep again, having killed the snooze button on my mobile phone. Fortunately, Eddie woke me up to tell me that he'd be catching the later bus into college. A close call, that one. A lightening quick shower (for me), and the adrenaline of being late kicked me into action. Made up time, and ran down the road for my lift, as normal.

Nice to see Sarah again – catch up on her soap opera home-life. Made the journey into Falmouth pass that little bit quicker. Wild and windy, but still so mild. With the heater cranked up, I was sweating in my shirt-sleeves.

Derrek's lecture a waste of space again. The first part was vaguely interesting, as he waffled on about his own experiences of publishing, and proffered handy hints and top tips to us wannabes.

(many of them quite unrealistic, like: set up your own publishing company. Yeah, right).

Dashed down to the IT suite to print off the homework he'd set us over the break. Clearly, another waste of time, as he's not going to read them. The second part of the 'lecture' was just a repeat of what he'd delivered prior to Xmas. Think I wrote down virtually identical notes as last time? Was only writing to try and stay focused, as it was so deadly dull.

Made a point of being sociable, and eating lunch with the others in the refectory – oatcakes and squashed brie, as we'd no bread at home for sandwiches. Forward planning all gone to pot, we were out of milk too. Photocopied some work placement forms, which I must fill out after logging off here, then over to the Media suite for the dreaded website session. But, no tutor! Apparently he thought term started next week? So frustrating, couldn't get on with a thing – was just kind of blankly staring at a screen full of rubbish templates, and awful design. Means that producing something of any merit, by next Friday, is going to be nigh on impossible. So it really was one of those days. Real shame, as I was looking forward to the buzz of student life again.

Bought a memory stick from the student shop, and some special coursework discs, so at least it felt as if I'd achieved something. Am getting to the stage of being paranoid about losing my work if the computer goes down. Backed some of it up on cd, but have no idea which/how much? Doh!

Really wish I wasn't so computer incompetent - would make things so much easier if I knew how to do stuff properly. And save so much time.

Got dropped off in town as we were in desperate need of toothpaste; had been squeezing out the last dribs for several days now. Had a peek in Argos to check out their printers – see if there was anything going in the January sales. Yes, maybe, for around £40. Still following up the free-cycle lead though, that may come to fruition on Thursday. Fingers crossed. Is a pain in the arse having to email everything to myself, and the printing's not cheap doing it that way.
Somehow, wandered into Peacocks, and came out with a cute new bra. Only £2.70, I have to justify to myself, thanks to being marked down half-price, and my 20% student discount, (got to have some kind of pay-back for the three grands-worth of fees, surely?).

Staggered home, laden with the usual bags of Co-op food shopping, in time to take the kids to Hayle for their dental check-ups. All, relatively, clear thankfully. No obvious concerns with Billy's teeth in spite of his recent tooth-ache. Lucy, just needing fissure sealant. She looks so ultra skinny in black, in her black, Humphry Davy uniform. Seemed even more gangly than usual laid down on the horizontal dentist's chair. Not worrying, exactly, but do need to keep a closer eye on her, and make sure she's eating enough.

I was starving by the time we got back, oatcakes just don't do it. Was straight in there, in the kitchen to get dinner on the go. A five minute gap, time enough to write a cheque for their capitation fees, before heading out the door another time for the scout run.

Called in on their father on the way back, as he's more or less incontactable by phone, and miracle of miracles, he was there. Wanted to find out how the skin-thing was going, but difficult to ask without coming across as prying. Probably lymphoma, he seems to think, but has to have a CAT scan to be certain, which he's having done soon. The lesions on his arms are melanomas. Doesn't sound too good to me, but he's on about daffy picking over the next few days. We almost, almost had a normal conversation, but inevitably it evolved into a rant on his part. I amazed myself by not reacting, remaining calm and reasonable throughout. Must be feeling sorry for him.

Still no word from Graham. Does my head in, these obvious silences. So uncomfortable.

Reality check

Made the most of my last lie-in for some time, and slept in until 10am. Only Lucy still at home, but she'll be back at school tomorrow, thank god. May actually be able to get on with things now that they'll all be back into their routines. Went into HDS for my appointment with her mentor and have an update on her progress – all hunky-dory as expected. Was frustrating having to wait, as the appts. Were running behind time. All I could think about was making a start, finally, on my study block assessment work.

Dashed into town though first to grab some milk, and fruit and veg. Also briefly scoured the charity shops for necessary bits of ski kit, and managed to find Lucy some bigger wellies, and Billy, a coat that zips up. Lucy hassling me when I got home to get the rest of the stuff down from the attic, to see what's still needed, but I resisted – didn't want to get side-tracked. She had to settle for doing a jigsaw puzzle on her own instead. Poor substitute, really.

Fed up with tripping over all the bags of wetsuits from yesterday, so ended up rinsing them all out, and chucking the manky towels in the wash, together with all the damp, smelly towels in the bathroom – nothing ever dries in this house. The only thing that flourishes, is the mold. With determined will-power, I avoided attacking the enormous pile of dishes in the sink, despairing of the chaotic mess, but happy in the knowledge that it was Eddie's turn, when he got back from college, later in the day.

Finally, finally, turned on the computer. Had more or less selected the pieces I'm submitting for assessment late last night, so uploaded them all onto the screen for a tentative word-count. Looks as if I'm going to be fairly lucky with arriving at 3000 words per subject area, as virtually all of my pieces hover around the 1000 word mark. Totally stumped as to how I'm going to present my blog though – as the current word count to date (excluding today) is 38,675 words. Pretty impressive, and a darn sight more than a couple of thou.

However, it finally dawned on me how daunting the prospect of writing up 9 – 10 critical rationales of 1000 words each is. Ensuring that they are formatted correctly, doing the admin on all the forms, presenting two copies of everything, as well as a hard disc copy, and providing a self-evaluation score to boot. All this in only ten days from now. What was I thinking over the holiday period? Why didn't I get on the case much, much sooner. At least I've made a small dent in it today, having completed two CR's for two of Derrek's assignments, bar last minute tweaking. That leaves, only seven more to go. And some major work to beef up my website. At the moment it's utter pants. Looks shit, with nothing on it. Really hope Nick from Digital Network Peninsula will be able to give me a helping hand on Friday, when I see him. Also getting slightly paranoid about this computer crashing, and me losing all my work. Think I might see about buying a memory stick tomorrow – will ask in class what people recommend.

Best log off now, let Eddie get some sleep, as must be hard trying to drop off whilst having to listen to the tippy-tap of the keyboard. I know how much I hate the ticking of the clock in the girls room whenever I have to play musical beds and sleep in there. Usually have to bury the damn clock under something thick and soft.

So back to the grindstone tomorrow. Slightly concerned that I can't get in contact with my car share partner, Sarah. Will be a pain if I leg it down to the Spar, wait anxiously, and then end up running back up the hill to drive my car over. Hopefully, she's just lost her mobile or something, or changed phones and neglected to let me know her new number. Definitely not looking forward to the early start. Doesn't help that I'll need a shower, both to wake up, and sort out my disgustingly greasy hair. And there's not enough milk for the morning. Or bread for making packed lunches. Great. Sounds really encouraging for tomorrow doesn't it.

Ok, ok, I really am going to log off now – right after I've posted on my new, fancy version of blogger, (I even have a personal profile now, although I still can't work out how to upload a photo). Oh, and I also have to check my emails, you know, just in case. G'nite.

Work, work, work

And no play. Guess that's what I have to look forward to for the next two weeks. Have been at it, more or less, all day, but can't say that I've achieved very much. Re-vamped an ancient CV, so that I have something to upload onto my website. Found it hard to find nice things to say about myself that were relevant to writing. And completely forgot to add involvement with bloc-online, regarding achievements. Don't think I'd be employing me on the strength of that.

Took the kids to Hayle, and Rosie to Hawkes Point. Sat in the steamed up car, with me thermos and red pen, hand-editing pieces submitted by Holly, and Jen, for the About Writing section. Expect Frea, or somebody else has already done them, but good practice. Think I did an ok job on them, actually. Also hi-lighted the parts I liked best of Judy's notes on the Kurt Jackson interview. We'll have to get together to write that up pretty soon-ish. Tricky with all the other deadlines we have to meet. Keep thinking about the questions I'm supposed to be emailing to Mark Thomas as well. Not to mention writing something about Daisy and her chickens.

Came home and typed the editing changes I'd made, onto the submissions. Spent ages trying to find the tracking tool/function on this pc, but couldn't find it anywhere. Bummer, as nobody will be able to see the changes, of which there were many. Subtle ones, on the whole.

Stopped to sort dinner out, homemade leek and potato soup, because that's what I felt like, but also because there wasn't a lot else in the fridge, and the leeks needed using up. One of the rare family meal occasions where we were all sat round the table, arguing mainly. Insisted that the topics of conversation didn't include exercise, sport, fitness, foods, the importance of protein in your diet – ditto meat, fatness etc... as we are all bored by this (mainly Eddie-led) and yet, there we were, arguing about the very same.

Left them to play a game of Risk without me, whilst I returned to the typing, and emailing of assignments to myself, (really need a new printer). Also thanked Bill for his comments on my 12page story – made some changes accordingly. Will be a shame not to have him as a teacher any more when we narrow our options. Still no word from Graham – must still be mad at me. Damn.

Pooped

I never did get that cup of tea last night. Stayed on-line far too long, then made the mistake of texting Gra at 2am, just as I was ready to put my head down. Turned into a protracted exchange/conversation, with little or no resolution, as he's still mad at me. Was 3am by the time we'd done, and the of course I was thinking about 'stuff', and couldn't nod off. At the point where I very nearly was, Rosie comes in through the front door – yet another reason why sleeping in the lounge is a bad idea. Gone 3.30 by then, and my alarm was set for 6.30am. Terrific.

Drove Eddie and his mate to the secret spot, and as it was virtually pitch black still, offered to wait for them if they promised to be in the water no more than an hour. I was that tired, thought I'd have no problem at all in getting some kip. But lying on the back seat was uncomfortable, smelly, and cold, so not a lot of joy there. Thankfully they weren't long; the swell too big/waves too dangerous, so they'd just hung out for a bit taking photos.

Felt their disappointment, so said I didn't mind driving them round to check out Gwenver. Again too big, and winds all wrong, so home, at last, it was. Crawled back into bed for a fitful hour's sleep, before Billy's friend turned up to play for the day. The plan was that they'd occupy themselves so that I could get on with some work, but instead I scrubbed more mold off walls (this time in the kitchen), cleaned the microwave (which was minging), put another load of washing on, started taking down the Xmas lights and decorations etc.. kept myself busy so as to stat awake.

Dragged the kids off to Trevayla woods for a couple of hours – they had a great time walking in the stream, nut came back caked in mud, and soaking wet. Worth it to hear their squeals of delight; playing outdoors, in nature, as all kids should. I was struggling to put one foot in front of the other though, and didn't really join in much. Nipped out to meet Wendy for a catch up briefly, with the excuse that I needed to buy milk, and a telly guide. Good to see her, and catch up on all her exciting, juicy news. She looks so gorgeous – cuddly and cute; an almost Marilyn-like sensuality about her – and at the moment she's on such a high too, which is great to be around cos I'm sure happy vibes rub off on people.

But I'm not that happy this evening. Had one of my bursting-into-hysterical-tears moments earlier, purely because I am so frazzled/exhausted (and we're supposed to be refreshed after this holiday?). Not helped by Eddie being arsey, and getting mad at me when I asked him to please put his clothes away, and sort out his side of the room, for the fifth day in a row. So tedious having to nag, but pisses me off that he can't do it the first time I say something. Inconsiderate, lazy git! (have to be really careful to refrain from adding, 'just like his father'- damn, gone and done it now anyway).

Meanwhile, I've been cooking, and tidying , and farting about with Xmas tree de-rigging, on automatic pilot, whilst actually feeling completely fucked. Splitting frontal forehead, gritty eyes, heavy achy limbs, and severe brain dysfunction. Can barely work put what to type for this, but carrying on as I know I'm not capable of doing the real work I'm meant to be doing, e.g. deciding which pieces to use for my assessment, and making a start on the critical rationales. Can't do it – have seriously hit the wall. Tomorrow, I'll be taking the kids to surf life saving, and I think Rosie wants to tag along for a surf, so bang goes another possible time slot. I really, really hope I can do this. I don't want to be heading off on a stupidly expensive ski holiday, if I've failed the first study block having not completed work/met the deadlines.

Think positive. Morning affirmations, here I come.

Pondlife rock!

Just back from the first gig of the year – a surprise 50^th birthday party for someone at Gwinear village hall. The tiniest venue ever, with all ten of us on stage, which was brilliant. Chloe back on form after having had her second baby, playing the sweetest of trumpets. Nigel, unexpectedly not in Birmingham, blowing that horn of his to the max. Everyone, pretty much, together and tight. The audience loved it, and we were loving them lovin' it. May not have been the most auspicious of venues, nor the most critical of audiences, but it was a cracking good gig all round.

Apart from at the very end, that is. When Graham decided to have a hissy fit because I, and the other nine members of the band, didn't want to do two encores, preferring instead to finish off with Caspian sea Monster as the final song. Chloe, especially, needed to get back to her hungry breastfeeding babe. He got in a right strop, and took it all out on me – as usual. Real shame, as I was feeling exceedingly loved up until then, and didn't deserve a mouthful of abuse. And in spite of the others pointing out that they were all saying don't play Beat Goes On, apparently I was the one undermining his authority. An apology would be nice. Fat chance. Oh well, at least it was a great gig – I sang, and played well, and really enjoyed the whole evening. Even came home with a surplus box of After Eights; compliments still ringing in my ears.

Other than that, the day was spent shopping, organising kids, and bribing them with tickets to the cinema so that I could get on with some work. Knuckled down to it eventually, after having dealt with various admin tasks, like buying travel insurance, cancelling Lucy's hospital appointment because we're going to be away (besides, her ganglia appears to have settled down now without needing surgery). Also, collecting a microwave , and viewing, but not taking, a free-cycle bike on offer. Really pleased to have typed up the first draft of my MA proposal, which bar minor tweaking, is ready to roll – four days before the actual deadline. Amazing! Means that I can move swiftly onto the other backlog of work to be done, relieved to cross one more thing off the list.

Have a date to take Eddie surfing to the secret spot at 6.30am tomorrow morning, so will quit now, in the unlikely hope that I may get a whole five hours sleep. Actually, I really fancy a cup of tea, and have to check my emails, and send Graham a text, and...collapse.

Oranges - just the ticket

Shouted at Eddie for raiding my vitamin C stash. Don't touch the things ordinarily, but was given a sizable jar of mega-dose capsules several years ago now by a friend, who insisted I needed them as I was suffering from a permanent cold every winter. Well either I've finally acclimatised, or my overall health is much improved, because I don't seem to succumb to anywhere near as many snots and sniffles as I used to. However, I do like to have them there in case of emergencies. And there's Eddie, necking them as if they're smarties, just because he's on some kind of uber health kick?

He signed up for a month's gym membership yesterday, and went for his personal health assessment after college today – his body-fat analysis is 12% apparently. And he had an infra-red sauna, which will allegedly help heal his foot. His membership entitles him to sports physio, yoga and pilates classes, as well as all the usual gym equipment apparatus. Hope he's not going to turn into some sort of fitness junkie, or worse, a body-building freak. I'm all up for taking good care of yourself etc. but everything in moderation. Besides, he eats a tonne already; can't afford for my grocery bill to treble overnight. He asked the price of a tin of tuna the other day – says he'll need to eat one each time he goes to the gym to repair the muscle tissue tears. In your dreams fish-breath, says I, in a really supportive and encouraging, motherly way.

So not only is my ascorbic acid out of bounds, but I'm also going to deprive him of valuable protein, and quite possibly, starve him in the process. Eat more oranges I say. And he said he would, if I bought decent ones – not the dried up, scraggy, totally juiceless ones that end up in our fruit bowl. To which, of course, I replied, I can hardly try before I buy, now can I? Huh?

Oh the joys of mother-son relationships. He astutely pointed out that I'd been nagging him for ages to find something more constructive to do other than gaming on the computer, and when he does, I complain about it? Suggested that for my MA dissertation, I write a How to Nag Handbook: Nagging, as easy as N.A.G. Bloody marvellous, thinks he's so funny. Sassy git. Probably right though. I could have ten top tips for nagging husbands, children, neighbours, work colleagues, etc. Mmm, could be some mileage in that one. May have to put that to my tutor at college next week.

Could possibly be getting too carried away with this Bad Mother thing. Did a bit of research on what's out there on the Amazon website, thinking that perhaps I should go with our leader's suggestion and simply write about me, and my life, but it would hardly be a saleable commodity. Enough of the blinking books out there already as far as I can tell. All, or most of them, 'hilarious'. But given that I can't think of an alternative project, and am rapidly running out of time, may have to do for now. At least for the first draft proposal. If nothing else, it would be a wicked piece of family history for us Readies.

Drove out to see how Heidi was getting on this morning. Not good, as to be expected really. Hope it'll work out ok for her; that he's just having a wobbly moment, and will soon come to his senses. Hate to see her suffering so. Men (sigh). Not heard from Graham either – not responded to past three texts. Probably a lack of credit, but sometimes with Graham, you never can tell. Do miss the bugger though sometimes. Wish I was in his thoughts as often as he's in mine. Relationships (sigh).

Still, could never be as brave as Heidi, and jump feet first. Feel as if I'll just be dipping my toes in forever. Playing it safe. Hopefully not too safe – don't know what I'd do if he found someone else to splash about with? Gawd, getting all insecure again now. Can't be having that. Must be feeling slightly nervous though, as really wanted to eat an ice cream earlier. Over-rode that desire with a 'No, you don't want to be getting fat now, do you?' inner voice, and so ate an orange instead – and it wasn't a very nice one either.

At least I picked up Eddie's board from Whippet, the guy who repairs them in Hayle. Only £25, which was a relief, was expecting it to be a lot more. Left Rosie's prospective new board to be done in it's place. Gave me an excuse to pop into Down the Line surf shop in search of a replacement fin. Always nice to chat to Ryan, such a cheeky young fucker. And another nice thing awaited me on my return – post I hadn't opened earlier, one letter of which was an acceptance note for a poem I submitted to the Poetry Kernow section in Cornish World magazine. My first one ever. Did make me smile. Oranges all round I say old chaps.

Dull Wednesday

Exceedingly. A day of neither note, nor merit. Far too much housework for my liking, but as the dust, mold and general disarray were getting me down, I just had to do something about it. Can't concentrate on writing unless it's tidy-ish around me – no point even trying. So several tedious hours were taken up with thankless cleaning. I know you're supposed to let all that slide when deadlines are to be met, but I the more I try to ignore the mess and filth, the larger it looms in my head, and so any attempts I make at working become counter-productive – I end up either writing nothing, or at a pace so slow, it's barely worth bothering with. Anyway, I've got some of it out of my system for now, so should be able to crack on tomorrow (after I've sorted out the houseful of kids that is, and collected Eddie's repaired surfboard from Hayle, and gone over to see Heidi).

Poor love. She rang to tell me her man's left her. Left her in the lurch – totally. She's given up her job, and doing up her house with a view to put it on the market, so that they could start up a business together, and he's gone and left her. Fuck knows how she's going to pay the mortgage now.

They'd booked a ski holiday to Slovenia at half term – spent money she doesn't really have on it – and she rang to ask me what the details of our holiday were so that they could try and come with us instead. Her over-riding concern was to give the boys their holiday, but there's no way she an afford it. Not as if I can lend her the money either; not as if I can afford to be going really. Especially with both Eddie and Rosie wanting to have driving lessons – Eddie imminently, and Rosie, just a few short months away from now. I didn't quite factor that in when I was making my ski holiday calculations. And I still have to pay up the equivalent price of a ski trip for Eddie when he arranges to go, as I promised I would, given that he's not coming en famille. Madness, utter madness.

Really must knock this ski thing on the head as we're not in the right income bracket to be larking in the snow. Will have to tighten those belts for the rest of the year, that's for sure. No exciting ventures over the summer – just the usual camping and festival jaunts I guess. Mind you, even the little kids are beginning to tire of the routine. Would love to go to Spain (say that every year) Would be nice to visit Mel and Aaron, but I think that'll have to wait until after the MA. If there is an after-MA?

Certainly won't be at this rate. Still nowhere nearer to putting down on paper what my MA proposal will be. Still not begun the assessment selection of pieces of writing, and that's going to be critical soon – 2weeks and 2days from now. As for the website? Ha, what a joke. At least I've arranged to get some help next Friday week, although not entirely sure how helpful that will actually be? Must remember to get my time sheet in as well, and complete the forms for my work placement.

And, and, and... still so much to do, with only a very few days remaining. Terrifyingly scary – and this, the easiest of study block's in terms of workload, and assessment expectations. No chance at getting an extension – couldn't anyway because of buggering off to France the next day. Think there will be many a sleepless night for me between now and the 19^th, but I will do it. Have to.

Sounds as if the kids have finally gone to sleep downstairs. (Seeing as it's now 2am, I should bloody well think so). My strategy of telling them to organise something with their friends has kept them happy this afternoon, but didn't realise I'd end up with extra catering at dinner, loads more dishes to do, and now breakfast duty in the morning to deal with as well. Eddie and Rosie back at their respective colleges, so nobody will be having a lie-in, and we'll all be suitably grumpy. And as my bed's fully occupied, looks as though I've got Lucy's cabin bed tonight.

Was less than impressed that upon my return from band practise at 1.30am, not only were they all still wide awake, but the entire downstairs was trashed as well – so much for all my hard effort tidying! Apart from cleaning, all I managed to do today was nip out to the library to return some books, and jump on their computers to print out submissions for the About Writing section for bloc, for me to have a go at editing them. Grabbed some shopping on the way home, and that was about it. Pathetic.

At least rehearsal was good; all of us there apart from Nigel, and great to have Chloe back blowing her horn – accompanied by her chubby-faced baby. Gig on Friday, a 50^th birthday party, so should be a laugh. Amazing range of fan base we have, from 16-60. I should try and arrange a gig in Falmouth, get the Prof Writing crew along. Maybe after the second study block deadline's out of the way – would certainly be something worth celebrating!

Back in the land of the living...almost

Another day gone, with little to show for. Didn't wake until 11am, and then struggled to actually get up. Could barely hobble to the kitchen when I did so. Decided to get the dishes out of the way – took forever as all my movements seemed to be in slo-mo. Sorted some laundry out before it needed re-washing from having been left wet in the machine for too long. Managed a bite of breakfast, but felt very strange swallowing food after 42hours without. Thankfully, it stayed down.

Eddie had organised a lift to Porthcurno with a mate, so I tagged along to go for a walk while they were bodyboarding. They said to meet up at 4pm, so I went as far as Porthgwarra (the resident seal there lolling about in the cove), before turning back – not wanting to miss my lift. Eddie was still in the water, but Alex (our lift) had already gone. Sat and waited nearly an hour before Eddie finally got out; was gagging for a cup of tea, and by now, bloody hungry. Fortunately we didn't have to hitch back after all, but cadged a lift from some other boarders. Huge relief, as by now was getting dark. Fab full-ish moon to light the way home.

Kids back, laden with grandparent presents: MP3 and MP4 players, as well as radios and mobile phones (!), so they're all gadgeted up now. Have no idea how the player things are supposed to work, but I guess they'll figure it out. Climbed into bed with a plate of pasta to watch the 3^rd Harry Potter film together. Dull viewing if you ask me. Have watched more films this past fortnight than for the whole of 2006. Can't be good for me. It's cos I'm not working evenings at the moment, so suddenly have all this leisure time. Keep guiltily thinking that I should be doing something constructive – like coursework. Need to start choosing assessment pieces very soon, but not quite sure where to start? Think I might write some drivel to go on Bill's reading blog, as a delaying tactic instead. The thought of having to come up with some kind of 1^st draft MA proposal is terrifying, and yet needs to be handed in, in just six days time.

But before I do anything, I have to look up skin cancer on the Internet, as apparently that's what Terry has. The weird lymph swelling on his neck must have been a symptom of that, not Lymphoma as initially believed. Not good news, that's for sure, as I doubt his immune system is up to much. Wouldn't want the kids to lose their father just yet – they're far too young, would be really tragic. He may be a pain in the arse, and utterly useless, but... Hopefully he'll be alright.

Puke

That's about all I've done all day. That and fitfully slept, sweated, and groaned a lot. What a complete and utter waste of a day. Really annoyed at myself, but nothing I can do about it now. Bloody alcohol.

Tottered home at half seven this morning and literally just fell into bed – fake fur coat and all. Graham and Rory came round about three, just as I was being sick for the first time. So embarrassing. We watched House of the Flying daggers but my head too hurty to take it in. Really nice to have Graham snuggled up in bed next to me though. Definitely needed some tactile distraction – take my mind off how crap I felt. It worked, temporarily at least.

Was sick again just as they were leaving; Graham needing to get to his pantomime rehearsal. Great. Glad Billy and Lucy not back yet – wouldn't have wanted them to see their dear mother in such a state. Back to bed now for me though. And hope day two of this year a better one!