Pooped

I never did get that cup of tea last night. Stayed on-line far too long, then made the mistake of texting Gra at 2am, just as I was ready to put my head down. Turned into a protracted exchange/conversation, with little or no resolution, as he's still mad at me. Was 3am by the time we'd done, and the of course I was thinking about 'stuff', and couldn't nod off. At the point where I very nearly was, Rosie comes in through the front door – yet another reason why sleeping in the lounge is a bad idea. Gone 3.30 by then, and my alarm was set for 6.30am. Terrific.

Drove Eddie and his mate to the secret spot, and as it was virtually pitch black still, offered to wait for them if they promised to be in the water no more than an hour. I was that tired, thought I'd have no problem at all in getting some kip. But lying on the back seat was uncomfortable, smelly, and cold, so not a lot of joy there. Thankfully they weren't long; the swell too big/waves too dangerous, so they'd just hung out for a bit taking photos.

Felt their disappointment, so said I didn't mind driving them round to check out Gwenver. Again too big, and winds all wrong, so home, at last, it was. Crawled back into bed for a fitful hour's sleep, before Billy's friend turned up to play for the day. The plan was that they'd occupy themselves so that I could get on with some work, but instead I scrubbed more mold off walls (this time in the kitchen), cleaned the microwave (which was minging), put another load of washing on, started taking down the Xmas lights and decorations etc.. kept myself busy so as to stat awake.

Dragged the kids off to Trevayla woods for a couple of hours – they had a great time walking in the stream, nut came back caked in mud, and soaking wet. Worth it to hear their squeals of delight; playing outdoors, in nature, as all kids should. I was struggling to put one foot in front of the other though, and didn't really join in much. Nipped out to meet Wendy for a catch up briefly, with the excuse that I needed to buy milk, and a telly guide. Good to see her, and catch up on all her exciting, juicy news. She looks so gorgeous – cuddly and cute; an almost Marilyn-like sensuality about her – and at the moment she's on such a high too, which is great to be around cos I'm sure happy vibes rub off on people.

But I'm not that happy this evening. Had one of my bursting-into-hysterical-tears moments earlier, purely because I am so frazzled/exhausted (and we're supposed to be refreshed after this holiday?). Not helped by Eddie being arsey, and getting mad at me when I asked him to please put his clothes away, and sort out his side of the room, for the fifth day in a row. So tedious having to nag, but pisses me off that he can't do it the first time I say something. Inconsiderate, lazy git! (have to be really careful to refrain from adding, 'just like his father'- damn, gone and done it now anyway).

Meanwhile, I've been cooking, and tidying , and farting about with Xmas tree de-rigging, on automatic pilot, whilst actually feeling completely fucked. Splitting frontal forehead, gritty eyes, heavy achy limbs, and severe brain dysfunction. Can barely work put what to type for this, but carrying on as I know I'm not capable of doing the real work I'm meant to be doing, e.g. deciding which pieces to use for my assessment, and making a start on the critical rationales. Can't do it – have seriously hit the wall. Tomorrow, I'll be taking the kids to surf life saving, and I think Rosie wants to tag along for a surf, so bang goes another possible time slot. I really, really hope I can do this. I don't want to be heading off on a stupidly expensive ski holiday, if I've failed the first study block having not completed work/met the deadlines.

Think positive. Morning affirmations, here I come.