Crap day at the office

Day started off ok, but never really reached it's potential – story of my life. Disappointed in Bill's class to get the piece related to time back. He didn't get it. Wrote comments along the lines of,
'I'm confused'. And I thought it was pretty straight forward, not too cryptic. Totally deflating, think I might as well give up now. We're focusing on dialogue next, and that's always been my weak point. Great. Usually really enjoy his classes, but think I was too tired to enjoy anything today.

The afternoon's course meeting was mainly about options again, and I'm just as confused as ever. Also listened to the playback of both radio plays and I didn't rate ours at all. Again, disappointing. Final session was a non-fiction unit taster which I had thought might be a definite goer. Pitched my How to become a successful Life Model idea, and I could tell Susannah was less than enamoured. Great. What am I doing on this bloody course??

By the time we'd finished it was 6.30pm already. Sent some frantic apology texts to the kids, and to ask the older ones to sort some food out for their younger siblings, but when I eventually got back at 7.20pm, they were home alone with bellies a-rumbling. Could only stop long enough to reheat some left-overs before having to head out the door again to attend Rosie's school leaver's presentation night. Long, tedious and exceedingly boring. Endless hand-clapping for other people's children to collect their trophies and awards. Nothing special for Rosie, just the bog standard GCSE certificate. But I had to be there – had to show willing. Show that I have an interest in all that she is and does. Be publicly proud of her etc. and a good enough parent to make that sacrifice – endure a torturous evening of pompous speeches on her behalf.

But in doing the right thing by Rosie, it meant that I had to abandon Billy and Lucy, yet again. (On the computer during my entire absence which I find particularly upsetting). Bad, bad mother, yet again. I do actually feel really crap about it – don't know how damaging this will be for them in the long run. Can't be good to spend so little time with their primary care-giver, and they've got no other family to fill the gap. No idea what their dad's doing – he seems to have disappeared .

So, had to apologise profusely, and after clearing up the mountainous pile of lego, and assorted Artemis Fowl cassette tapes strewn across the floor, sat down for a nice family game of gin rummy. They knew I was but putty in their tiny hands when they asked to stay up to watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I was too much of a zombie by then to do anything else. Besides, I hadn't watched telly for months. Was nice to snuggle up under my duvet with them, shame it had to end as they had to go to bed. Shame I then had to do the dishes and rotate the laundry on the racks. Damn shame I couldn't just go to bed. Snuggle up with a good book – must make a start on Mark Thomas's – or better still, snuggle up with a Graham. He sent me a sweet text expressing the same sentiment earlier. Ohhh. If I'm awake enough to appreciate it, will be able to do just that tomorrow night after our gig. Craving cuddles right now. And reassurance. Really doubting whether I'm doing the right thing. My family should come first, and they aren't. Shit.