Stormy Weather

Feel shite. An emotional roller coaster of a day that's left me washed-out and exhausted. Last night didn't help. The party (as I suspected) was far from fun. Poor Jodie had gone to loads of trouble setting it all up, decorating the space, laying on lovely food and drink, getting her band Ioara in to play some tunes, and about 20 people turned up – if that. Depressing stuff. They were trying to take lots of photos to document and legitimise their relationship, but they were photos of all the same people. Apparently, they both have to go back to Brazil now to get married, then apply for all the immigration visas from there. Sounds nuts – loads of hassle just because they love each other, and want to be together.

Painfully jealous/envious, as Graham hardly ever made an effort to call in for a cup of tea in passing, and certainly never proclaimed his love or devotion. Maybe it was all only ever in my head – he never felt for me, but because I wanted him to, I tried to force it to happen. Well I've made a tit of myself over this one for long enough, and it's time to break some habits/change the pattern. But it's bloody hard, and I miss him so much already. I hate having to be strong – I just want to curl up in a little corner and cry. It was difficult to avoid him there last night with so few people to hide behind, and when he did eventually try to make conversation, 'New jeans?' I responded with a withering 'No, they're Rosie's, and I'm not talking to you' and walked off. Pathetic really.

The combination of feeling wobbly, and crap party with no atmosphere, wasn't a good one. Should've joined the others at club 2K to see Bonobo and dance the night away, but no, I have to take the rough road. Sensibly, steered clear of any more alcohol though, so I wouldn't have to spend the night in my car. Also declined Reuben's offer to share a bed in his van – would have had a nice book-ended symmetry to it if I had've done, as we'd slept together in the same van at one of Graham's Halloween parties, exactly one week before me and G got it on. And this, would've been one week after we'd 'got it off', as it were. Tempting to have someone to cuddle up to that's for sure, but didn't want to leave the kids home alone all night.

Was in bed, drinking tea and reading the Cornishman by 1am, but then couldn't sleep cos my thoughts were spinning. Must've finally dropped off, when Hilary came in at 3am. In a right state, angry and tearful, I felt so useless – couldn't really say or do anything to help. At one point she ended up having a go at me, which wasn't very nice, but I had to excuse her because she was so distraught, and so pissed. Still made me feel uncomfortable though. Especially as she chose to leave; go for a wander in the pouring rain, and sleep in her car instead. Could understand that she needed some private space, but felt crap that she had to go then and there, at that time, and in such foul weather.

Did get some sleep in the end, and tried to get her to come round for breakfast, but no reply. Frittered away another couple of hours on Amazon, trying to research mothering books – such a time waster – before taking Lucy to nippers. Billy refused, moaning about it being too cold, and because I was feeling so all over the place, I didn't handle it very well, and blew my cool when he started swearing. Actually clipped him round the head, which of course set him off on a tirade about how that's child abuse, and I'm not allowed to do it. Fucking brilliant. All I needed to hear.

Dawdled through Lidls, thoughts scatting all over the place, making the whole shopping process drag on forever. Tried to collect Rosie's recently repaired surf board, but the guy wasn't in. Sat in the Bluff Inn car park, waiting for Lucy to finish up, filling in my work placement evaluation form – oodles of other paperwork in the bag to be attended to. Had a text from Tim saying that he was at the Sandbar, but had to off-load the already melting frozen goods at home first.

The waves were massive; the sea, grey and stormy. Had just missed Funny Feathers doing their Sunday lunch time set, but maybe today wasn't the best of times to be singing Crying Mood with them – wouldn't have done me any favours. Felt tired, drained, and emotionally fucked – less than ideal company for everyone, but couldn't not say farewell. Wanted to go for a wild stride along the beach before driving back to Pz, but it was much later than I'd expected by the time I'd left, and I knew that I had starving children waiting for their dinner, so had to pass on that one. Will have to try and find some elemental healing, at some point, tomorrow instead.

Came home only to discover that I'd missed Hilary by ½ an hour. Figured she'd be annoyed at me for not being, there so traced her to Heidi's. Yet another torrid conversation, whereby I was made to feel shitty and guilty about everything. Find it so hard to say the right things on the phone, and was on the verge of tears when Tim rang, and I had to hang up to let her take the call. It's like she doesn't trust me – thinks I'm sneaking around behind her back or something. In a way I did betray her trust, by letting it slip to Tim that she'd been upset last night. Wasn't trying to show her up, or make an issue of it, just difficult to pretend. Then because I'd dug a little hole for myself, couldn't then tell Hilary that I'd told Tim... so in effect, ended up lying to Hilary which is totally shitty.

Grappling with dinner on the stove, and in the oven, throughout this exchange – stressed to the max wondering what the hell I'd done to deserve this. Utterly gruelling. And at the same time as I'm trying to deal with my feelings of rejection, and abandonment by Graham. Aaarrrrgggghh!

The last thing I want to be doing right now is this stupid blog, but it's the only way I can justify not doing proper work. Am gutted to be turning down opportunity to spend a creative day of writing at Shell Cottage tomorrow, but have to prioritise college work. Can't wait til this fucking course is over. I want my life, and my sanity back.