Gordon Bennett

Got no idea who he is/was, or what that means, so why I felt compelled to write that as today's title...? Very strange. Bit like my life right now. Bleedin' freezin' sat here, so roll on summer I say.

And what a glorious summery day it was – apparently. I wouldn't know as I was busy reading the Business Communication guide as requested for the Writing for Business module.
Was well pissed off that having bought the right ink for this friggin' printer, I still can't get it to work? May have inadvertently put my fingers on the chip thing, or failed to press some knob, or some other printer-cartridge-replacement error. So annoying. Meant that I couldn't just download and print off the document to read, but had to sit here and write copious notes.

Then had to analyse some copy, outlining how and why, it does or doesn't work. Chose the ludicrous Jehovah's Witness leaflet that came through the door weeks ago. Also, had to come up with a fantasy business pitch. Borrowed Heidi's idea of a Funky Fish restaurant, as well as a hypothetical Living Lungs tree charity project. So most of my day – gone.

Billy off school, having a quiet one, as he was really snotty last night. Seeing as he'd have had to leave school early for his Actor Factor gig anyway, thought the rest might do him good. He was ever so self-contained. Listened to the Artemis Fowl cassette story tapes again; played with the Lego; and joined in with the card game when Rosie and her girlie friends came back here on their lunch break. Lucy off to earn her keep too – she, an anorexic teenager, and Billy, a bed-wetter. Think it's brilliant that they've got the confidence to do something like that at their age. Great experience – and they'll have earnt their book tokens.

Was hoping to indulge in some retail therapy in town, but got waylaid in WHSmiths doing research for my non-fiction idea. Spent ages browsing the shelves, writing down details of the competition, but most of them were misery memoirs – not much in the way of mad-mother parenting/life accounts. Gap in the market? I doubt it.

Did try some cords on in Dorothy Perkins, but nothing left in the sale vaguely my size, so they looked crap. Ran out of time to go for a swim, as needed to cook dinner instead. Tomorrow, hopefully. Feel so sluggish at the moment, and I think getting in the pool as much as possible would be really helpful, (good meditational, sort-your-head-out time).

Modelling in St Ives ok, not too cold for a change, even though outside was quite bitter. Drove home via Graham's to return the paltry few items that he's given me over the past twelve months – a chopping board, a late 40^th birthday present; a frying pan, an old one of his he cleaned up for my Xmas present; and a wicker basket, meant to be a toolbox for my car, containing a tow-rope which I didn't want either. Realised when I got home that I'd forgotten about the lantern he gave me last Xmas – my dream lantern. That's definitely going back as I don't want to be reminded of how my dreams and illusions have been shattered. Will buy myself a nicer, much prettier one at a festival over the summer. Is extremely therapeutic off-loading anything from him - removing all traces.

May sound petty and childish, but it's really important to me not to be beholden to anyone – especially Graham. I don't want to feel that I owe him for anything. Also left him a note saying that I couldn't be friends – too angry, and too fed up with him abusing my trust. Asked him to repay me the £320 he owes me pronto too, so that I can start re-paying my student loan. Really pissed off that he blagged a tenner off me last Sunday – we'd only just got back from France, and he happily ate his free dinner, got a lift out to see the film at the goat barn, borrowed some money, but didn't want to stay the night/spend any time with me. The fucking cheek of it. He'll have to find some other sucker to act as his personal banking service from now on. If he doesn't cough up the goods (sponge off someone else in order to reimburse me) I'm sorely tempted to write to his mum. Don't care how embarrassed that makes him – sick of being ripped off.

It'll be a long haul to get myself over this (would be so much easier if Beth wasn't involved to complicate things), but I think I'm at a much stronger position now than I've ever been before. Still going to feel sad, and lonely at times, that's for sure, but he really ain't worth it. I've got my real friends, and my kids, and a life to live. Girl power – and I'm free to play.