Help!

What have I gone and done? After insisting that we weren't going skiing – no way, not possible, there I am until 3.15am last night, trawling the net for the latest deals etc. Forcing myself to give in. So of course, ended up spending the rest of the day oscillating between possibilities, stressing out big time, and doing my best to try and justify blowing another £1600 on a week's holiday. Also, how I would reconcile that with Eddie. But, bugger me, I've only gone and booked the damn thing.

I've opted for the date that falls in the first week of our post assessment, non-teaching time off college. Means that I'm now going to have to bow out of the Acorn Lafrowda benefit gig – won't win any popularity stakes there. Will suggest that Gill fills my shoes. Also means that Rosie will miss some crucial rehearsals coming up to the Imago Theatre performance she's involved in. (Hope they won't be too pissed off with her. We get back on the Sunday, and it's curtain up on the Wednesday, so presumably she'll still make the dress rehearsal? May have to contact somebody up at the college to apologise, and smooth the way. Wouldn't want her to jeopardise her chances to be selected for future productions).

Had a chat with Eddie who was hoping that I'd book something around Easter time, so that he could come along too. Enjoy a final family holiday fling together, given that he'll probably be leaving us soon. Doubtful that his foot will be healed enough to be able to cope with something as high impact as snow boarding. However, I did offer to pay for him to go if he finds a mate to accompany him, at a later date, if he's given the all clear. Poor bugger. Besides, couldn't have afforded to take him along at this time, as have cleaned out my savings. If he goes staggered, it'll give me a chance to build up the coffers.

I have to say, he's been incredibly accepting. But does electing to take the others, and not Eddie, make me a good mother, or a bad one? Apart from the fact that I love skiing, and life's too short not to do the things that you love, it's mainly pay-back for the little kids in particular. This course of mine is asking an awful lot of them Having to get on with stuff, manage, and generally do it all without me. They deserve a special treat in acknowledgement of that. And it'll be so nice just to spend some quality time together, especially time doing something as amazing as zushing down the slopes in the alps. I think this resort has trees, which will be really, really lovely. I'm so lucky. Fingers crossed they get some bloody snow by then!

Feel ultra guilty about Graham though. What with all the work he's put into getting my car on the road (well hopefully on the road – MOT re-test 3.30pm tomorrow). If it passes, I think I'm going to have to offer him some money/payment – bung him £50. Although, now of course, I don't have a lot of spare cash to fling around. Would be fantastic to go on an exciting holiday with him, not skiing, can't really picture Graham on skis? Maybe snorkelling or scuba-diving in the red sea. One day.

A weird kind of a day, all in all. Weird because I was spinning out from the stress of making a decision, and from chronic sleep shortage. Weird because my cash card got eaten when I tried to transfer funds. Weird because electricity company sales reps kept turning up getting me to fill in forms and sign contracts. The entire floor was covered in Xmas presents in various states of wrapped-ness, ready to be sent off, finally. Six to Australia, and one to Mel and Aaron in Spain.

And when cooking dinner, the couscous bag split open, yellow grains went fling everywhere, including through the cooker ring. Next thing I knew, palls of smoke filled the room, and when I removed the saucepan from the stove, 10inch flames were licking up through the element. Could neither pour water all over it, nor smother it with a tea towel, so just stood, gawping, watching it burn itself out.

In a rush to get Billy to his school carol service. Could only watch the first half, as needed to be at the Acorn – U2UK tribute band. Annoyed that Terry had let the kids down yet again. He was supposed to be there for him, but had rung me earlier to give me a load of grief, and to say that he wouldn't be back in Penzance tonight. Bill had already walked over to his place, and waited for ages for his dad not to turn up by this time.

Bollocks, it's nearly 1am, and I was hoping for an early night. Was so late, and I was so cold and tired last night, that I slept in my clothes. Think I'd be old enough to know better by now. In desperate need of a shower, but still waiting for the buggers to come round and sort it. Oh well, maybe I'll try and squeeze in going for a swim tomorrow, seeing as it's Friday. Could do with some exercise. Can see my arse is beginning to sag.