Over the edge

In bed last night, fitfully tossing and turning, thinking about 'them' and unable to sleep. So annoying. Should've turned the light on and got on with some essential reading, but no, had to just lie there, torturing myself with crushing thoughts. The lads staggered in around 5am, when I did happen to be asleep, but then having been disturbed, I struggled to drop off again. When I did eventually have to get up at nine to take the kids to nippers, I was completely fucked. Exhausted. Exhausted, tense and angry.

Unfortunately, Billy and Lucy bore the brunt of that. Having asked them nicely, several times over and quite reasonably, to hurry up and get ready, when they both (in separate incidents) cheeked me back/were rude, I ended up a) pulling Lucy's hair and snarling at her, millimetres from her face, and b) grabbing Billy, by the hair also, and virtually throwing him onto the floor. He (quite rightly) then shouted that he wasn't going to give me my mother's day present now after-all. I promptly burst into tears (nothing to do with present threats) and apologised profusely. I'd just lost it. Was so angry, my feelings spilling out everywhere, that I was momentarily deranged. Knew what I was doing was so wrong, but lashed out regardless. Now feel guilty as fuck of course, although they both appear to have forgiven me.

No idea where all the hair-pulling came from? Unless it's a kind of sub-conscious response to the true object of my angry emotions (which is Beth of course) and that really, I must want to beat the crap out of her in a traditional girlie-fight kind of a way! Hate all this headfuck, misery and heartache – and when the fall-out impacts on my kids, I really, really don't like it... wish she'd just disappear.

Wonder if she'll have the decency to leave the Acorn, as I really don't want to be working with her anymore. Not sure I could convince her though to be honest, and I guess I can't exactly expect the others to give her the cold-shoulder treatment on my behalf (although it's tempting to ask). Don't have it in me to be Miss Nicey-nice any more – not after such an insideous betrayal.

So not only does all this shit keep me awake half the night, it also dominates my day as I just can't seem to stop dwelling on it. Really do feel that I'm on the verge of cracking up – badly. Certainly did crack up this morning – being hideously violent to my poor kidlets, and then bawling my eyes out immediately after. What is wrong with me? Can't understand why I seem to be handling it all so terribly – getting worse, not better?? Completely ruined my day, and not even lashings of fresh air (walking along the dunes and back up the beach at hayle) could rectify the situation. Gits - bastards the pair of them.