Bollocks

There he is, recent ex, back in my head again. Pissed off that I went to see Wendy, have a girlie glass-of-wine-catch-up, and I wasted most of that precious time by talking about him! Why?!
So annoying. Thought I was handling it all ok but it's becoming increasingly messy; I'm confused about how I feel and what I feel. That's probably the problem - was better when I was still in shock, numb, but now that I can feel again, it's grim. As Wendy so rightly points out, it's more about my sense of abandonment and rejection, than it is about losing the man who treated me so badly. If only I could move on.

To make matters worse, on the way home I drove home past both their vans parked up next to each other outside the Yacht Inn. Everywhere I go, if I see a white Ford Transit Van, the same daft hi-top model as Graham's, I always have to peer at it closely – check out the number plate, see if it's his. So of course, catching sight of this one tonight I pulled over to have a quick look, but being behind a low wall I couldn't quite tell; couldn't quite be sure. It was only as I was pulling away that I spotted her instantly recognisable, dinky little Suzuki bongo van. My stomach lurched; an involuntary reaction to something I don't want to be happening. I had to resist the urge to barge in on them at the pub – make a scene; make them feel uncomfortable. But what would that have achieved? Me making a prat of myself in public? Me crying or ranting? Or, perish the thought, sitting with them in a cosy threesome, pretending as if things were all cool and peachy??

Caught me completely off guard, so much so that afterwards, I struggled to even buy some milk in the Spar. And then I did lose my cool by sending Beth a text – didn't know what else to do:

just bin at Wendys talkin bout how fuckd up my head is re Gra – drove home past ur his&hers vans. I need u 2b strait wiv me – not a false friend. R u or rn't u seein/shagin him?

So how stupid and embarrassing is that?

Needless to say, no reply/response from her, and now it's going to be incredibly awkward next time we meet, or have to work together. Great. Nice one Fi.

Guess I'm going to have to sleep on it. But can't even enjoy a wank nowadays cos he keeps creeping into my thoughts, which feels totally wrong under the circumstances, and then of course she pops up! Why can't I just lay back and have fantasies about other men – any other men – rather than this masochistic response to being alone?(sigh) When I've finished this bloody course, I'll have to sign myself up for some therapy, or go on a tantric sex weekend. Anything, to make me feel loved and wanted again.