Chemical melt-down

Extremely strange evening last night, precipitated by consuming far too many drugs (really am getting too old for such shenanigans). Had been thinking that I needed a bit of a blow out/some stress release, but hadn't anticipated it being quite so soon. When you find yourself at a local nightclub, packed out with a frenetic drum&bass crowd, all going mental, and all seemingly pilled-up like there's no tomorrow, it really does make you wonder what the hell you're doing! Especially when your son and daughter are also there, drinking like there's no tomorrow, and you have to try your darnedest to come across as lucid and normal (not weird and gibbery).

Think it was after the fourth line of coke in quick succession, when I noticed my heart racing, and a flash of concern momentarily made me panic – remember that it'd been a while, and my tolerance was probably nil. But what can you do at that stage? Not a great deal. Also reminded me that I've yet to organise an executor for my will, or appoint a guardian. Didn't stop me from accepting other substances later, although I very sensibly(?) only took a half, knowing that I had to get up early in the morning, and do sobering things like sort kids out, and drive to Judy's house to write up our Kurt Jackson interview notes.

So there I was, getting down on the dance floor at clubland; having random conversations with very random people; telling Eddie that by introducing me as his mum to potential pull-ee girls was probably cramping his style somewhat; and in spite of buzzing, still feeling absolutely knackered. Maybe if the music had been more my thing I'd have gotten into it more, as I tend to hit drum&bass at six o'clock in the morning, at the end of a festy night (when it's surprisingly energising) preferably outdoors with the sun coming up.

What really pissed me off more than anything though, was thinking about Graham the whole time. He seems to be invading my thoughts more and more lately which is so annoying- I've got better things to be focusing my brain energy on. Kept imagining that he was up at his place with either a few friends round, or maybe just Beth – romantic dinner date or some such. And later, sat outside by the fire watching the lunar eclipse. And the moon really was stunning last night, at least up until the point before it was obscured by clouds (which was right about when it was supposed to all be happening). Typical. But why am I dwelling on him so much? Ok, so it's been a month now. The anger's beginning to fizzle out and I'm feeling the loss. Things are going to get a lot tougher, and I don't think even excessive busyness is going to protect me from the hurt anymore. Am going to have to ask Beth straight up if they're shagging, as the speculative are they/aren't they is doing my head in. Best to know for definite, and if it's a 'yes' then I'll be able to let go that little bit quicker (hopefully). But I do miss the bugger – not helped by looking on the Pondlife websites and seeing all those photos of him.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...sums it up nicely.

Keep wanting to share news, tell him stuff. Show him my published articles etc. but doubt he'd even be interested. Never seemed to be before – was never particularly supportive. Oh well, move on sister. More important things to do. More positive people to spend my time with. My kids for instance, bless 'em. Suddenly noticed today that both Billy and Lucy have grown! Hoping they can hang on in there with me being crap mum just a wee while longer, and then I'll try my best to make it up to them – organise lots of fun stuff over the summer. Have been asked if I'd be up for driving the playbus for Traveller Space to the Big Green Gathering, which means taking special lessons and taking a test. Ultra scary prospect for me who ordinarily hates driving, and I certainly don't relish the thought of a driving exam, but think it'll be good for me to challenge my boundaries – conquer my lack of confidence behind a big wheel. Could be useful for future job ops. either with Traveller Space, or if I get back into youth work, or better still – if I end up getting a live-in vehicle again at some stage, and take to the open roads. Have pen, will travel (in my dreams).

Pity I don't get paid for this blog – spend more time writing this fucker up than anything else. Should've been cracking on with the BadMothers feature, or getting my contents page sorted out, or any of the other backlog of things I need to do to try and keep apace with the college workload. Feel as if I'm drowning, and the only way is down.