Under duress

Sunday, December 31, 2006

* * Happy New Year * *

I am so proud of myself! Chained to the computer these past couple of days, and got the assignments done that I needed to. The 12 page one's pants, but I'm quite chuffed with the genre piece for Bill that knocked out today: The Case of the Suspicious Wardrobe – Narnia, in a cheap paperback American detective style. Actually fun to write for once, not a painful, drawn out experience.

Slept in until midday today as well, which is another first. Blew out the orienteering bike ride at Carnyorth 10am, so cycled over to Newlyn as soon as I'd finished typing. So nice to get some fresh air/see the sea. Called in at Wendy's new place – amazing. So posh, so clean, spacious, dry, tastefully decorated, and views to die for. Especially nice at this time of year, cos all the Christmas lights in the harbour are on. Giving me a serious case of house envy that's for sure. Met her new beau briefly, the boy from the Internet. Staying with Wendy for a few days. They're off to a house party out at Nancledra later.

Eddie back home when I returned, dressing up in his Chinaman's outfit, before going out for a meal with his old school mates, and then seeing in the new year in town. Rosie covered in a weird rash, that looks like measles, but isn't. Not sure what it is, but probably a reaction to the viral fluey thing she's just had. Hopefully not contagious.

Time for me to hit the shower, reheat the left-overs, slap on some make-up, and go out to par-tay! Have been invited to five different ones so far, so feeling very be-friended. Shame I won't be able to see everyone – especially Graham (sob, sob) but I intend to have a brilliant night anyway. Provided I can negotiate my way around on wobbly hi-heels, in a glasses-less haze that is! * HNY blog *



Saturday, December 30, 2006

Ta da!

Well I did it, and I said I would. It's been a long, hard slog, but I've finished the 12 page saga for Derrek. (It's actually 12 and a half pages, but there are lots of asterisks spreading it out, and I very cleverly tried to use as much dialogue as possible, for the same reason). If my calculations are correct – including time out for lunch, dinner, watching half of Sense and Sensibility with Rosie, and a therapeutic swim, that took me... eleven hours. Talk about a pathetic work rate?! But who cares, at least it's done. Not brilliantly, but it's done. Interesting that I managed to type it up directly onto the computer, without handwriting it first? A novel approach for me.

Anyway, it's New Year's eve tomorrow. Yay. Looking forward to it, should be fun.

Upset about Terry, blowing Rosie out this morning though. Really harsh on her, not being able to go up and see her own grandparents. Twat. Turns up half an hour late, and then takes it out on Rosie – tells her to 'fuck off' would you believe? Naturally she did. She doesn't take shit from anyone. Offered to drive her up to Holywell Bay, but she decided not to in the end. Went back to bed, instead. Bought a mask for the ball, and hung out with her friends later. Treated us both to a Thai takeaway for dinner – she certainly deserved it. Such a lovely girl/young woman, and has to put up with such a crap dad. And a crap mum, but I do try.






Friday, December 29, 2006

Me


Well I can't get this bloody stupid editing thing to work, now can I? No, of course I can't. Fruitless waste of time trying to upload one of these two photos to my Blog Profile. I hate bloody computers - bane of my life. Life used to be so much simpler...
Useless. I'm useless at all this, and would rather be doing anything else but. No-one's ever going to read this pathetic on-line diary of mine anyway, so what's the point? Arrrrgghhh. Think I need a stiff drink!

Furry teeth

Didn't brush them this morning and they feel foul. Drinking coffee doesn't help as it coats your teeth and makes their furriness even more obvious. Will try and be brief blogwise as need to use this precious hour or so making a start on the 12 page story for Derrek. The more I think about course deadlines, the more panicky I get, and the less I do. Shouldn't really be stressing about the bloody story anyway, as it's not even for assessment – is just a time filler – but by concentrating on that for a bit, it means I don't have to face the other yet, and it is all about avoidance. At least for me.

Think that's why my blogs are getting longer and longer – it's not as if my life is getting any more interesting or anything? Far from it! My life feels as if it's becoming increasingly dull and stultifying. Where's the fun, I ask you? And why do I have to carry all this crippling responsibility??!

Is driving me slowly nuts. The kids are being absolute angels at the moment, and I'm just being stressy and horrible in return. It's not right. Lucy was bored last night, so I suggested she make a cake, and that we could give it to Graham as a belated birthday cake seeing as the self-saucing chocolate pudding was such a disaster. So off she trots into the kitchen. Afterwards, I have a go at her for making a mess!

This morning, while I'm in town sorting out the car change-over paperwork, and fannying about looking for a suitable Christmas present for their granddad (a bottle of port in the end), she ices it. By the time I get back, we're late for our breakfast invite, but the kitchen's in total chaos again. Tell Lucy to clear it up, but what does she do? Only goes and knocks the cocoa powder all over the floor, and everywhere. Great. So I yell and scream at her, of course.

Then this evening, she's desperate to make pizza for tea. So I reluctantly say 'yes', as images of floury work surfaces, and mashed up grated cheese underfoot flash before my eyes. She's so keen, she's even prepared to cycle into town to buy the tomato puree for it. (Not having to cook for a change was also rather appealing, and may have had some sway). Naturally, my premonition comes to pass, and I end up moaning, shouting, and generally being nasty about it all. Poor Lucy's trying her best, and I'm stifling her independence and creativity. It was pretty tasty actually, and she made the salad to go with it. She's since hoovered the floor, twice, and the pair of them have done the dishes, while I'm up here typing whingy bollocks, (sigh).

Well, we made it out to Graham's this morning in plenty of time as it turned out. Skipped the microwave along the way, which died quite spectacularly last night in clouds of evil-smelling black smoke. Will need a replacement asap, especially with my protracted evening absences at college these days. Transferred all the bits of junk from Brian to Rusty; found my driver's license and £18 in the glove box, neither of which I knew were there. Graham had another stab at getting the stereo system going, but no joy. The kids amused themselves playing Risk, so that was cool. Eventually drove it away down the track – 3 years and 3 months since I'd last driven it there. A hell of a long wait for a welding job, that's for sure! Fingers crossed it will have been worth it.

Drove straight to the tyre garage to get the slow puncture looked at. Turned out the rim needed sealing, and there was a big fat nail stuck in the tread. No wonder. The lad who sorted it was a mate of Eddie's at school – hard at work, not bumming around being a slack student! Maybe I should just think about getting some honest work, stuff all this being a writer fantasy.

And I was determined not to waffle on – was meant to be a brief blog so as I could get on with other things. Half an hour later, I'm still dribbling away. At least Terry's finally got in touch. Been ringing, texting, round to his house to try and get some information from him for days. Talk about frustrating! Apparently, he's going to pick the kids up at 7.30am tomorrow to catch the train up to his mum and dad's. Hooray, at last. Will be able to get on with writing uninterrupted/no excuses/no distractions for an entire day, and maybe part of Sunday also. And then I shall go to the ball.






Thursday, December 28, 2006

Still more festive cheer

Another round of mulled wine and socialising. Very pleasant and well deserved if I do say so myself. After a morning of pfaffing around, avoiding the books, and pretending to be industrious, I finally settled down to writing Derrek's required essay on 'The Form'. Regurgitated the lecture notes more or less, but I guess he'll be pleased to have had such an attentive student, (worth all that laborious note-taking then after all). One holiday assignment down, several to go.

The morning really did just evaporate, although I did spend some time trying to co-ordinate the kids to hang out with their mates – both of them going into town; Billy managing to squeeze in a very short swim session with his friend first. They were supposed to see their dad, but he lunched them out, yet again. Felt guilty not doing some sort of holiday activity with them, but knew I had to make a start on my college work.

Kept resolute for long enough to finish the stupid essay before dashing to Tori and Steve's annual open house event – a permanent fixture on the Penzance festive calendar. Lovely to catch up with people that I hardly ever see (come to think of it, I hardly ever see anyone nowadays. Am going to make a concerted effort to entertain when I'm free to do so once more – what's life about if it's not being with your mates, and having fun?).

Cosy, warm house, with plenty of festive fare to munch on. Tried very hard not to talk about me, me, me, but not sure if I succeeded. Did enjoy listening to other people's news, and had I not been 3hrs late, would have had more of a chance to get round to everyone. Next time hopefully.

Billy had left quite early complaining of stomach pains again; Lucy following shortly after, complaining of boredom. Rosie never made it as she's been wallowing in bed all day suffering from a nasty cold, and a heavy dose of over-doing it, and Eddie had gone out to play pool with his mates, so I couldn't tarry too long – motherly duties to attend too. Least it meant that I didn't get too hammered, need to think about more writing tomorrow.

An early start whatever happens, as have to get tax sorted out for the new car, and the tax disc for the old one in the post also. Will be terribly sad saying goodbye to Brian – he's been in the family six and a half years now. Always so reliable; never broken down. We've been so many places together, slept in him so many times. All those festivals, camping holidays, trips to Devon, the Isle of Wight, Ireland for two weeks, and last summer, France. Not to mention the endless taxi driving of the kids, especially to the beach and back to take them surfing. The end of an era. If only Rusty could be as fantastic... but it's kind of a hard act to follow. Ok, so Brian's full of holes, the track-rod ends have gone and the steering's atrocious, (not to mention the fact that you have to literally bail out water every time it rains, and remember not to put anything on the floor unless you don't mind it getting really wet). But he has character, soul.

Not sure how I'm going to get on with Rusty – a little bit nervous to say the least. Another example of how resistant to change I am probably. An upgrade to a diesel estate car is bound to be for the better, but all I can see are the negative aspects. I should have more faith, trust in Rusty. Start off feeling excited and positive, and hopefully the transition will be a smooth one. We shall see. Have to sort out the slow puncture first, regardless, and try not to worry about parking!

Graham's invited us for breakfast at his tomorrow anyway, so that's something to look forward to. Think he's also offered to amuse my lot for a while so that I can get on with some writing, which is ultra sweet. Not that I deserve it. He came round briefly earlier with Rusty's non-working stereo, suggesting I put it in the freezer overnight as a way of perhaps eradicating a possible code that's preventing it from doing it's thing. Sat shivering, huddled over the keyboard in the semi-dark, grumpy as - just not in the mood. Was incredibly dismissive, bordering on rude, so glad he's not overly pissed off with me.

Was going to have a go at updating my reading blog tonight, but can't be asked now. Cup of tea, and then bed, more like it.





Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Bleach be with you

After the kids had gone to bed last night, I summoned up the energy to tackle the bathroom mold. Grim. The intention was, to remove potential distractions for when the time comes that I'm able to get on with my backlog of college assignments. If all the lingering household jobs were out of the way, then I'd have no excuses not to sit down, and just get on with it. (Well that was the logic behind spending an hour and a half last night, standing on a stool, scrubbing rank mold off the upper walls and ceiling. Removed similar from the boys' room window surround also – oh how I dream of a warm, dry house)!

Had a much needed shower before retiring to my lovely, damp pallet bed – the walls adjacent to it being particularly wet at this time of year. Tried to flick my way through some back issues of Vitality Matters and Cornish World, in an attempt at doing some research, but couldn't keep my eyes open. Another 'must do' in the coming month. Think it's probably around about now that I should be experiencing a major panic I think. How the fuck am I going to get all the work done that I need to, within the deadlines? Trouble brewing up ahead. Storm clouds assembling now. Definite foreboding in the air.

The last thing I needed to hear tonight, which I did, was Terry telling me that he's now not taking the kids to his mum and dad's, for a belated Christmas celebration, after all. Brilliant. I'd scheduled in those three precious days to make a dent in my work. So now I'm going to have to spend that time holiday entertaining instead. Bloody marvellous. Not their fault – must be disappointing for them to be lunched out, yet again. But incredibly frustrating for me. Says they're going on Saturday now, which is useless for Eddie and Rosie because they'll want to come straight back down again the very next day for New Year's Eve. Great.

All my exertions last night, meant that I slept in. Needed it, as still feeling pretty tired. Had hoped to call by Wendy's, check out her new place in Newlyn, but being short on time, had to head straight over to Geevor to meet up with Graham and Rory for midday. Prepared a very ordinary picnic, and were only ten minutes late, so that's quite good for me.

At last summer's Heamoor school fete I'd won a family ticket to the museum there, and had been saving it up to take Rory along, as all mine had been there before, but I knew he hadn't. So it's not exactly Alton Towers, but we had a nice enough time. The mini tour underground is always interesting, and it was a fairly educational way of passing a few hours. Had the weather been better, we could've gone for a bracing cliff-path walk. But it wasn't.

However, upon my suggestion, we ended up at the Plen-an-Gwary in St Just, to test out Rory's new Xmas present from us – a croquet set. Ok, so it was raining, and the grass was way too long, but it was still a hoot. My classy game play saw me winning, of course. Got soaked in the process though. Toyed, briefly with the idea of going to the pub for a warm up, but decided to go home and get changed instead. Graham and Rory were already booked to go to Nanny June's anyway. Never felt so peripheral/excluded in my life. Would be nice to be invited over, just once, with the kids. Hate not existing.

Back at the pad, we found some dry clothes, sat in front of our pathetic gas fire, and played a game of Nominations – all of us except Rosie that is, who's off gallivanting around being sociable somewhere, possibly Amy's, as she's having a party at her house tonight. (And Rosie was on the phone for nearly 3hrs last night, talking to some boy called Max. Ooooooh!)

Band practise cancelled tonight as too many people can't make it – doesn't bode well for our gig on the 5th, but to be honest, I wasn't really in the mood anyway. Graham's asked us around to keep them company, but again, am not really in the mood. Will go though as Billy's keen. Won't stay long, as Lucy wants to stay here, and I quite fancy coming back relatively early to watch City of the Gods (turning into a telly addict)! But more importantly, to get a proper night's sleep, and maybe try and do some writing first thing tomorrow morning. It's a thought.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Gobble, gobble

Well, we ate the turkey dinner yesterday, and the left-over turkey and cranberry sauce rolls for lunch today, so that's it for festive fowl I think. Has been a surprisingly pleasant Xmas – sociable, and family at the same time – much better than I'd anticipated.

Amazed that the kids let me sleep in until nearly half nine yesterday; they'd done their stocking thing, but then lain in bed reading or whatever before waking me up. Bunged the croissants in the oven, and then attacked the pile of presents under the tree – not that there were all that many this year.

Rosie's gifts to everyone were particularly thoughtful and tasteful. I did well, getting a smart Little Black Dress, a woollen scarf, some pearlescent eye-shadow, and a beautiful sparkly green necklace. She bought Lucy a lovely little dress as well, and Eddie a black jumper, together with a massive tin of Milo. Billy got a new commando style backpack, complete with inbuilt compass – won't get lost walking to school from now on. Very sweet of her to buy us all such nice things. Even Eddie lashed out and bought presents for once. Some anti-stress incense, eucalyptus oil, and candles for my Moroccan lantern for me; ski gloves for Rosie; woollen gloves and a hat for Lucy; and some boxers for Billy.

When it came to the biggie - ski holiday for all (bar Eddie, who has toi take a raincheck) - Lucy piped up and said, 'I can't believe it, Grandma's payed for us to go skiing'. To which I replied through clenched teeth, 'No dear, it was me. Your mother'. That's gratitude for you!

Blew out going to Hayle for the Xmas swim, as it was too late, but thought we might've had enough time to make it to Sennen. Loaded up the car with boards and wetsuits, thermos and Xmas cake etc. for a post-swim surf. It was like midsummer at Sennen car park – so crowded – we were lucky to find a space. Just as we pulled in, we could see the pack of nutty hardcore swimmers make a run for it towards the sea. Grabbed my towel, and pegged it to the beach, stripping off in double quick time, running in after them with a few other latecomers like myself. Was helpful not having any time to think about it – didn't feel the cold, or worry about how icy it was going to be, at all. Two years ago when I'd done it, I was so frozen afterwards, my teeth were literally chattering for more than half an hour. This time, it felt relatively reasonable; wasn't shivering in the slightest.

Drove back around to Gwenver to find some slightly bigger waves, Eddie keen to get in the water again after his injury. The sky may have been grey, but it was bright, and felt good to be outdoors. Ed and Rosie both went in, while me and the little kids collected loads of wood to make a fire. I was dead chuffed to get the thing started at the first attempt, and we managed to keep it ablaze for a couple of hours. Was quite exciting, adventurous even, to be sat around a fire, on the beach, on Christmas day.

Me and Billy took over the boards when the other two got out (Lucy too wimpy to get in the water); didn't feel the cold (not surprising seeing as I had gloves, boots, and a hood on), but still surfed spectacularly badly. I really should just give up – far too old to be trying to pick up a new sport. Expect I'll be similarly rubbish at snowboarding when we go, and desperate to get the skis back on again.

By the time we got home, and I'd spent ages rinsing out all the wetsuits, it was 4pm, and we were all starving hungry, breakfast having been hours and hours before. Snacked on some posh cheese and crackers, then settled down to a nice family game of monopoly, (except that Rosie refused to join in)! Remembered that the kids should ring their grandparents to wish them a happy Xmas, as well as to their dad, part-way through. The grandparents weren't there, but they did all have a brief conversation with Terry. Still need to confirm arrangements for Thursday, as he said something about them going up on the train. If they do bugger off for a few days, I'm going to have to chain myself to the house/computer, and try and get my holiday assignments out of the way. And make a start on my assessment pieces – at least start thinking about which ones I may consider using. Depressing thought though.

Grabbed a quick shower to wash the salt off, and dress up in my new Xmas togs, ready to go over to Simon's for dinner. Had to abandon monopoly right at the point where it was beginning to get interesting. All rush, rush, rush with us turning up half an hour late. Needn't have bothered busting a gut as they were all sitting round the table, completely plastered, having been drinking since 7am.

They'd got as far as cooking the turkey at least, and the potatoes were well on their way, plus bacon-wrapped sausages – just waiting on the parsnips. Think Simon said that about four times – just waiting on the parsnips. Turned out it wasn't just the parsnips though, as the carrots, cauliflower and broccoli were lying around in their plastic bags, totally unprepared for the pot.
Taking command of the situation, and being the only one sober enough to wield a chopping knife, I finished the dinner prep, delegated table-setting, and more or less single-handedly, saved the day.

In spite of the chaotic assemblage, it turned out to be quite a tasty meal. My official capacity had actually been the pudding provider, but by that stage their weren't a lot of takers. Back on the booze downstairs they were, while I supervised little kids playing charades. Made my excuses soon after, leaving Eddie and Rosie to it, but not a bad evening really.

Had missed a call from my brother, so rang back when we got home – good to have a chat with him although I was probably quite tipsy at the time. Then Graham turned up, having spent the evening with his family over in St Just (still ever so slightly miffed that I/we didn't get an invite). He took over Eddie's hand at monopoly, but I can't for the life of me remember who won? Or whether we just decided to call it quits. Definitely dove into bed though, which is as it should be. A Happy Christmas ending.


Again, were left to lie-in in the morning – Lucy the first to venture down, and she not only brought us cups of tea in bed, but also made pancakes. Were thinking about getting up, but put on a film instead – very decadent watching The Fifth Element, all of us snuggled under the duvet, me and Graham not even dressed.

And that's how we were when Heidi and the boys came round. Leapt into action to be hospitable but Heidi'd come prepared with picnic, and the plan was to go for a walk. Graham ducked off home to sort his place out, ready for Rory's arrival tonight, and Eddie passed on account of his dickie foot, but the rest of us were up for it. I suggested the circular walk from Ludgvan on part of the Saint Michael's Way path. Excellent choice, as it was about the right length (a good 2hrs), and went through some really varied and pretty countryside. Even picked some daffy bulbs, which Lucy later planted in a pot to give to Terry's mum as a present when they go up there.

Went back to Heidi's after to have some more grub, a glass of celebratory champagne, and played a game of risk. They're off to Norfolk tomorrow until after New Year, so really nice to see them – spend a day with them. Ed was quite relaxed, and they seemed very happy together.

Back to our cold, cold house – Rosie ensconced in her room with overly loud music, and the kids watching a crap video – it is Christmas I suppose. But all in all, a splendid day; a perfect kind of a Boxing Day day. I'm feeling totally knackered – more than ready to crawl into bed, snuggle up and get all cosy. Would prefer it to be with a good book, but unfortunately that just ain't going to be possible. Never mind. Cats and Dogs it is then I guess.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

It was Christmas Eve, babe

Fairy Tale of New York, definitely the best Xmas song ever. Has been a nice day. Woke up with Graham beside me, so bound to be a nice day (think I'm getting soppy in me old age).

Kids very kindly avoided coming downstairs too early, choosing instead to make the most of me not complaining about them going on the computer. So not exactly up at the crack of dawn – eventually dragged myself out of bed 11am-ish, to make a start on Graham's birthday breakfast. Was quite sweet seeing him sat up in my bed, surrounded by all my kids, all of them tucking into plates of cooked breakfast, and watching rubbish Xmas Eve morning children's TV.

A walk was always on the agenda, but Eddie bowed out because of is foot, Rosie passed on the basis that she had to wrap presents, and tidy her room. Billy and Lucy put up a strong protest, but I wasn't in the mood, and insisted they come with. Looked disasterous, as we drove out to Graham's in the grey mizzle.

Decided on the Gurnard's Head as our tramp of choice, and it turned out to be delightful. The kids' foul mood lifted with the weather; being outside, in that location, exhilarating; and it was all very pedestrian, happy family stuff. I guess Graham would've preferred it if Rory had been there, but my two were impeccably behaved for once, and very cute. With Rory coming down on boxing day, I'm sure we'll have some fun holiday moments.

Back home for us, while Graham carried on with making some spoons as his Xmas present to sister-in-law Liz. Started a bit of dinner prep, finally skimmed through the back-log of newspapers, and put them to be recycled. Tidied, and pottered etc. Settled down to watch Chicken Run which I thought hilarious, before carrying on with Graham's special birthday dinner.

Was delicious, if I do say so myself – smoked salmon en croute, garlic prawns, Cornish new potatoes, honey-glazed carrots, roast parsnip and sweet potato, and a medley of green veg. Proper restaurant material. Shame the dessert wasn't of the same calibre. My mother's famous, competition winning, self-saucing chocolate pudding recipe. Trouble was, I accidentally mis-read the milk quantity, adding one and a half cups, instead of half a cup. Doh! Turned out like a solid gloopy sludge. Truly disgusting. Oh well, can't be super fantastic at everything, all of the time.

Snuggled up on my bed, with the gas fire on for the first time this winter, to watch The Constant Gardner. Enjoyable, but I wouldn't rave about it. Two films in one day though – that has to be some kind of record for me.

Graham declined my offer to stay the night, as he wanted to go to midnight mass at Zennor. I said that I hoped he wasn't going to go and get religion on me, and he said of course not. It's just that the gay, weed-smoking Vicar has been really nice to him – always friendly, buying him drinks at the local pub etc.. so he wanted to return the favour by showing his support.

Hard to say goodnight though, as would've been a perfect way to end the day by climbing into bed together. Think he enjoyed being spoilt, and attended to for the day. Even appreciative of his presents, which were pretty naff if the truth be told. Socks, (you can never have too many), a woolly hat (ditto), a bright yellow piggy bank, and a personally signed copy of Mark Thomas's book.

Mind you, I had stuff I needed to be getting on with tonight, so for the best that I wasn't distracted, and have been able to get on with it. A monstrous pile of dishes of course, and then I rang my mum to wish her a Happy Xmas etc.. and ended up having a long chat, as you do. She sounded quite chirpy – sounded as if she had plenty of invitations to spend time with people today, which is really good news. Complained about the cold, but she should feel what it's like over here! Nice to touch base, even though I'm absolutely rubbish at talking on phones. Should ring the old dear more often really. Will look into the cheap phone company for International calls that Jojo does – New Year's resolution : ring my family more often. Couldn't get through to Al and co, so left a Happy Xmas message on their answer machine.

Eyes sucked into their sockets now, I'm so tired. Still have to play Santa, and stuff stockings before I can hit the hay. And write out little voucher cards for a ski holiday for each of them. Will get woken up super early by excited little people no doubt – all keen and eager for the ice-cold Christmas Day plunge?!? Peace be with you.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Mini blog

Dressed up as a viking and ready to hit the town (well, a private house party). Know that I won't feel like/be capable of blogging when I get back. Tedious day of domestics – will it ever end? Shopping, cleaning, laundry etc.. etc.. deadly dull. Escaped at 6pm to go over to Mousehole for Tom Bawcock's eve. Fairly low-key despite the crowds (had to park miles away) but really lovely to see the lantern parade, and the tiny candle-boats floating out into the harbour. The Xmas lights themselves, same old same old, but the harbour hillside combo does make them pretty special. The highlight for me, listening to the male voice choir. Sublime. Not a lot of fun for the kids today, but should be able to spend some quality time from here-on-in. (Mind you, Rosie's done a very successful vanishing act – haven't seen her for days, and Eddie, similarly, off doing his own thing).

Time to go. I need a drink, a dance, and a shag – probably in that order.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Tiredy, tiredy mustard

Should really just be collapsing into bed while the going is good, but was so wracked with guilt last night for not having blogged, can't face that kind of angst again. Today has been particularly uninspiring, and I've been particularly emotional, grumpy and down. Struggled to get going this morning – Lucy still vomiting copiously, but thankfully, Billy more or less back to normal now. I kind of pottered a bit, but actually did fuck all.

Billy, being incredibly pro-active for once (he really is growing up at last), invited his mate Joel round, and they went of swimming, whilst Lucy soaked in the bath. I delivered Clint and Chloe's tree to them on the boat – all freshly painted, and toasty warm thanks to the fire, but pretty cramped. Don't think I'd be that thrilled about living on a static boat with two tiny children, under such circumstances. Chloe, tired and in bed, so didn't stay long.

Had several text conversations with members of the band after I'd sent out a message of pissed-off-ed-ness about having missed out on the previous evening's fun. Only adding to my reputation as a moaning minnie no doubt. Oh well, too late now. Think Graham's got the hump with me also, as he's not responded to my messages since.

Fretted all day; wanting to be out doing something, and feeling trapped/stuck indoors. Cycled over to Newlyn to Badcocks gallery. Officially have a flyer for the New Year's eve Masked Ball being organised by Mimi and Lynne now. Think I'll probably go as it will be nice to catch up with a load of my friends I hardly ever see, including Tim and Vivy, who are coming down from London – last chance to see them before they jet-set off to Australia next month. Doubt Graham will come though, which is a real shame. Means we won't be spending either Xmas or New Year's together (what kind of a crap relationship is that?) sigh.

Pottered about some more when I got back, putting up lights, and stars, and general tidying. House still a cluttered mess mind. Sorted dinner, then nipped out for a much needed swim after Billy's friend went home. Boring doing laps, but sometimes I just have to.

Billy did the dishes, while me and Lucy played a few rounds of backgammon. Then I decided I'd go out to the Arts Club after all. Was extremely crowded, and noisy, but enjoyed chatting to people. Good to talk to Lynne, and later, Chris, when we all ended up walking home. Will be so amazing when I finish this bloody course, and get my life back. Won't have to lose precious sleep by doing this bastard blog for starters. Must sleep.

Woe is me

Was lying curled up on my bed last night, too cold to move, thinking that I should be upstairs writing my blog, but just couldn't. Felt so exhausted, drained, and pissed off with everything, I couldn't face it. In the end, managed to crawl into bed proper, and crash. Not for long, soon awakened by the retching tones of Lucy puking. A long night of bowl-emptying and back-stroking. Don't know if it's because I'm ultra tired, or borderline ill, but I'm really struggling at the moment. No energy, and miserable as sin.

Spent yesterday with Steve doing his best to install the all-in-one printer I was given, but it doesn't bloody work. Popped into town to get some Xmas puds (my contribution to the dinner at Simon's) and Rory's present – croquet set which I'm sure he'll think is the naffest present ever.

Took the little kids over to Carn Euny for a winter solstice celebrationy type thing. That was nice, lots of people (with lots of tiny kids) gathered in the sunshine. At the point at which the sun slipped behind Chapel Carn Brea, we all held hands – 40 or so of us? and spiraled around the stone walls, down into the fougou for a meditative chant, followed by a suitably hippy song for the occasion. Back outside for hot choc and brandy – nice to see lots of folk outdoors on such a glorious, although freezing, day.

Raced back into town to join in with the Pondlife carol busking session outside the Lloyds bank. Could only stay for a couple of songs as had to be at the Acorn for the Kneehigh show. Managed to watch it but thought it was pants, even nodded off in the first half it was so un-gripping. At least it finished relatively early, with me and the kids home shortly after 10pm. Graham's van was still parked in town so texted, and rang to find out where everyone was, but he wasn't answering. He called by later, only to tell me they'd all gone to Coco's for food and drinks, courtesy of both busking stints – blowing the entire £108, and everyone was there except me! So unfair. If I'd have known it was going to be a Pondlife jolly, I would've swapped shifts. Left out, yet again.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Cards a-go go

Who'd have thought writing out a few Xmas cards would take so bloody long? Have used up all of Lucy's homemade ones, so it'll have to be the breast cancer charity ones next. Realised that I'd forgotten to get a parcel sorted for Gavin and Anita, may have to send a New Year's something instead. Hopefully haven't over-looked anyone else.

Was so exhausted this morning, after sorting out Billy's bad case of diarrhea, and getting Lucy up and off to school, I ended up going back to bed 'til 10.30am. How slack is that?! Meant that half the day had virtually gone by the time I headed out the door on a card delivery mission, and to the library to borrow books, story tapes, and DVDs. Bumped into Terry on the way home, says he has to go to hospital tomorrow to have tests done on a lymphoma on his neck? May need admitting for it to be drained, which will stuff up his Christmas, that's for sure. Did look really swollen, and quite red in places. I guess it could be serious. Might do a bit of internet research to see what I can come up with.

Now that the video's all plugged in and working, Billy fished down one of our old tapes – the one of Eddie and Rosie, taken by the Fernihoughs the week before we skipped Oz. Eddie such a scrawny thing, with the most ridiculous squeaky little voice, and a really vile Aussie accent. Wonder what our lives would be like now if we'd stayed living down under? Life can be so strange.

Working at the Acorn tonight – Jazz Christmas party. I'll probably end up eating too many nibbles as usual. May have to take pen and paper, write a newsy letter to me Ma seeing as we got one from her today. Looks like she's settling in ok.

Confirmed with Simon that we'll be accepting his kind offer to spend Xmas dinner at his. Will be a treat not to have to cook, and hopefully won't turn into a drunken debacle. Saves me from feeling left out because Graham'll be going to his folks place, and I'm not invited as his girlfriend. Typical. Will see if he wants to join us at Simon's though, if he fancies it.

Better get cracking – need to be at the Acorn in ten. Have to remember to get some electric – had a mad moment earlier, when the house was plunged into darkness, I couldn't find the key thing, then Simon rang, and Wendy turned up at the door. All this, right at the point when I was frantically trying to get Lucy's food ready so that she could get off to gymnastics. Chaos central it were.

Even more bad mothery than usual, as will have to abandon Billy whose been ill in bed all day. Stopped vomiting this morning, but suffering from the shits now instead. Hope he'll be alright. May have to leave the bleach out handy, just in case.

'All of me', 'Paper Moon', 'Crying Mood', here I come.



Tuesday, December 19, 2006

'Tis the season

Christmas celebrations coming thick and fast now. Had a pleasurable evening for the book club's annual festive gathering. Plenty of posh nosh, and readings various. I ended up choosing a poem about shorts because I couldn't come up with anything decent referring to Xmas, and it reminded me of this time last year.

Got the last of the parcels in the post today; one to Hilary, one to the Isle of Wight, and one to Aaron and Mel in Spain. Also handed out a few Christmas cards, so doing quite well for me.

Our small, but tasteful, regrettably artificial, tree was decorated on Sunday – baubles, candy canes, and discrete white lights only. But tonight Rosie ended up taking down our stars – the room looks so sad and bare now. Think I'm going to have to insist that they be re-instated after a dust down and re-paint. Definitely not the same without them; just a boring expanse of ceiling now.

Graham called by for a quick cuppa, on his way home, and we tested out the new DVD and video player, both of which work fine. Expect we'll be glued to the screen now over the holiday period. Bumped into Ali in town earlier, who let me know that they're holding another orienteering bike ride at Carnyorth on the day of New Year's eve. May twist Eddie's arm to come and join us for a family cycle if I can borrow a bike for him, and if his foot's up to it – don't want him to overdo it. Would be really nice to do something all together though, must remember to use up the Geevor Tin Mine tickets before the end of the year, maybe drag Graham and Rory along as part of our family.

Was fun going skating at the Eden project on Saturday, made all th4e more so because Rosie came along. A full on day with the little kids going to the pantomime with the scouts; me and Rosie having our busts measured at Marks and Sparks (she's an incredible 32 DD, whilst I'm a lamentable 34 A) and then drooled over all the gorgeous lingerie; and then busking Christmas carols with Pondlife near the cathedral – a total hoot. The funniest moment was asking the Phones4U shop if we could please plug into their power supply, and then having to lower down a cable from a first floor window – worried I was going to take out some poor innocent shopper down below! Had to leave before they'd finished to get to the Eden in time, and sing in Vicky's special Eden choir, but apparently they made a respectable £68? Meant to be going again in Penzance for late night shopping on Thursday, but I'm working at the Acorn for the Kneehigh run.

Still not got my head round assignments, or reading, or final assessment prep – am seriously going to run out of time if I'm not careful. Have to earn this bloody ski holiday by doing the right thing by my course, otherwise, I know I won't enjoy it – will feel too guilty. Did, however, knock up a short story today to submit to the new writing section i bloc, which may or not be selected for the Family edition next month. It wasn't a particularly great piece of writing, but it was quite poignant, talking about the death of Gill and Seamus's baby. I was thinking, wondering how they were going to be, spending Christmas just the two of them again. Not a family yet, so sad.

I need to think about my family now, as it's 1.33am now, and Eddie's waiting for me to finish up typing this, so that he can get to sleep, and I don't want to disturb Billy, cos he's been violently sick tonight – the excitement of the Scout Christmas party at Country Skittles tonight must have been too much for him. Either that, or it was the chicken nuggets!



Monday, December 18, 2006

All choired out

Another Acorn Choir Christmas evening. Full house, happy vibe atmosphere. Graham even came along after his panto rehearsal – very sweet of him. Was quite touching to have his support.

Eddie back behind the bar again, which naturally meant that I embarrassed him by saying to everyone I knew, 'this is my son', and 'have you met my son?' etc.. Had the plaster off this morning which is brilliant news. Now sporting a snow boot-like contraption, which allows far greater mobility – no need for crutches, and no longer in pain. So nice to see him on the mend, and feeling much perkier. Looks like he may be able to go snowboarding towards the end of the season after all. Promised I'd stump up the money for it seeing as I'm paying for the rest of us to go next month, only seems fair. Don't recall my parents ever being that generous.

Had a brief meeting with Nigel Pengelly this morning regarding the work placement I'll be doing at the end of Jan. Scary but exciting. Will be amazing to get something in print (if it's good enough), so will have to make a real effort. Said that my preference was for current affairs – just hope that I get it right. Had a look on their website beforehand which was pretty lame – not a great deal of info about the magazine content, just an over-view, and lots of pictureless text. (Reminds me, I have to get cracking on some ideas for my course website soon). Asked for a couple of back copies to get an idea of style/writerly guidance, so a bit of light holiday reading there I guess.

A brief run around the shops to get presents for friends that need sending in the post. A visit to the bank to order a new cash card – my current one's being intermittently refused, or transactions are mysteriously voided. Also popped into the post office to enquire about taxing vehicles, and applying for a rebate on an unused tax disc. Am tempted to run the Fiesta until the end of the month now, change over to the new one in the new year, but not sure if it's wise to risk it. Knowing my luck, I'll end up having a bingle, and then I'll be stuffed insurance-wise. Mmm, tricky.

Got treated to lunch by Traveller Space which was rather nice. A bit of a trek to St Day, but meant that I could chat to little Sam and Matt on the way. Felt as if I should've been mingling a bit more, been chattier with the other women, but to be honest, I was too tired to do much of anything. I was always amazed by Matt and Caroline's faith in me – they had me lined up to be the next group leader?! Not sure if I would've been up to the task to be honest. I'd be so nervous, and worried about saying/doing the wrong thing, and everyone thinking how useless I was. When I've finished the MA, and am gainfully unemployed with lots of free time, I'll have to give it another bash.

Best quit this, and make my way downstairs, and over to the waiting pile of dishes in the sink. Can admire our diddy little tree in the corner while I'm at it. Rosie's suggestion that we don't have any tinsel a wise one – looks far better for being simple and uncluttered. Were supposed to have sorted out the lights, other decorative touches, and strung up the cards tonight, but it just didn't happen.

Tomorrow. Last night was chaos as we made way to install the monster telly; deciding how best to set it up. Involved having to move all the musical stuff, and find new places for them to be. Not easy when storage and space are two things that are in very short supply in this house. This re-shuffle was complicated by the fact that Billy and Lucy insisted that they play carol duets. All well and good, (designed to get us all in the festive spirit), but they were out of time, out of sync, and out of tune. Uffi turned up to collect his guitar, left in my car the previous evening, and ended up accompanying them. Made a right racket, but such a delight to have them playing their bloody instruments for a change. They never ever practice, so not going to knock it when they do have a go. Looked as if they were getting into it as well. We'll have a Read family band together before you know it.

My results from the open university came through today – not a distinction, but I did come away with a high pass, so I'm pleased with that. At this stage, no plans to take the degree further. Certainly not this year, but maybe I can pick it up again in a year's time. Who knows. Beginning to experience some low level panic at the moment; trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to have time to get our Xmas break homework completed, plus, started to write the commentary about our final assessment pieces. Haven't worked out a strategic plan, but it may turn out to be essential.

Just have to carry on, head held high, and just knuckle down and write the damn things. Pronto.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

A week to go, ho ho ho...

Two days without a blog – am seriously slipping. Now that I'm on holiday I seem to have less time than ever? I blame the festive occasions overload; with more to come, it's going to be pretty tough. Lovely party last night though, Toby's 50th exotic eastern theme with fab food, fab décor, fab free bar, and wicked DJ's. Haven't been out dancing for so long that my legs were seriously protesting this morning. Shaky achy. Another late, late night for me, been struggling to keep awake all day.Struggling to keep awake all weekend. Struggling to keep awake now! Will write more tomorrow, zzzzzz...

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Help!

What have I gone and done? After insisting that we weren't going skiing – no way, not possible, there I am until 3.15am last night, trawling the net for the latest deals etc. Forcing myself to give in. So of course, ended up spending the rest of the day oscillating between possibilities, stressing out big time, and doing my best to try and justify blowing another £1600 on a week's holiday. Also, how I would reconcile that with Eddie. But, bugger me, I've only gone and booked the damn thing.

I've opted for the date that falls in the first week of our post assessment, non-teaching time off college. Means that I'm now going to have to bow out of the Acorn Lafrowda benefit gig – won't win any popularity stakes there. Will suggest that Gill fills my shoes. Also means that Rosie will miss some crucial rehearsals coming up to the Imago Theatre performance she's involved in. (Hope they won't be too pissed off with her. We get back on the Sunday, and it's curtain up on the Wednesday, so presumably she'll still make the dress rehearsal? May have to contact somebody up at the college to apologise, and smooth the way. Wouldn't want her to jeopardise her chances to be selected for future productions).

Had a chat with Eddie who was hoping that I'd book something around Easter time, so that he could come along too. Enjoy a final family holiday fling together, given that he'll probably be leaving us soon. Doubtful that his foot will be healed enough to be able to cope with something as high impact as snow boarding. However, I did offer to pay for him to go if he finds a mate to accompany him, at a later date, if he's given the all clear. Poor bugger. Besides, couldn't have afforded to take him along at this time, as have cleaned out my savings. If he goes staggered, it'll give me a chance to build up the coffers.

I have to say, he's been incredibly accepting. But does electing to take the others, and not Eddie, make me a good mother, or a bad one? Apart from the fact that I love skiing, and life's too short not to do the things that you love, it's mainly pay-back for the little kids in particular. This course of mine is asking an awful lot of them Having to get on with stuff, manage, and generally do it all without me. They deserve a special treat in acknowledgement of that. And it'll be so nice just to spend some quality time together, especially time doing something as amazing as zushing down the slopes in the alps. I think this resort has trees, which will be really, really lovely. I'm so lucky. Fingers crossed they get some bloody snow by then!

Feel ultra guilty about Graham though. What with all the work he's put into getting my car on the road (well hopefully on the road – MOT re-test 3.30pm tomorrow). If it passes, I think I'm going to have to offer him some money/payment – bung him £50. Although, now of course, I don't have a lot of spare cash to fling around. Would be fantastic to go on an exciting holiday with him, not skiing, can't really picture Graham on skis? Maybe snorkelling or scuba-diving in the red sea. One day.

A weird kind of a day, all in all. Weird because I was spinning out from the stress of making a decision, and from chronic sleep shortage. Weird because my cash card got eaten when I tried to transfer funds. Weird because electricity company sales reps kept turning up getting me to fill in forms and sign contracts. The entire floor was covered in Xmas presents in various states of wrapped-ness, ready to be sent off, finally. Six to Australia, and one to Mel and Aaron in Spain.

And when cooking dinner, the couscous bag split open, yellow grains went fling everywhere, including through the cooker ring. Next thing I knew, palls of smoke filled the room, and when I removed the saucepan from the stove, 10inch flames were licking up through the element. Could neither pour water all over it, nor smother it with a tea towel, so just stood, gawping, watching it burn itself out.

In a rush to get Billy to his school carol service. Could only watch the first half, as needed to be at the Acorn – U2UK tribute band. Annoyed that Terry had let the kids down yet again. He was supposed to be there for him, but had rung me earlier to give me a load of grief, and to say that he wouldn't be back in Penzance tonight. Bill had already walked over to his place, and waited for ages for his dad not to turn up by this time.

Bollocks, it's nearly 1am, and I was hoping for an early night. Was so late, and I was so cold and tired last night, that I slept in my clothes. Think I'd be old enough to know better by now. In desperate need of a shower, but still waiting for the buggers to come round and sort it. Oh well, maybe I'll try and squeeze in going for a swim tomorrow, seeing as it's Friday. Could do with some exercise. Can see my arse is beginning to sag.


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Ska'd up carols, whatever next?

Made it back from rehearsal without running out of petrol, just. The needle's about to disappear off the dial it's registering so low. Was planning on staying after to chat with me man, but thought it prudent to leave with the others in convoy, just in case. Had anticipated filling up in St Ives before modelling, but the garage was shut. Considered driving over to the 24hr servo in Hayle, but decided to wing it instead. Fortunately, it worked out ok, as breaking down in a clapped out old car with no MOT's not a good idea.

Rehearsal was fun though, practising Christmas carols ready to go busking in Truro on Saturday. Will be a busy day for me: have to take the kids to the Hall For Cornwall at 1.30pm to see the pantomime with the scouts; noodle about on the melodica to all those seasonal faves (may even borrow the jingle bells I bought today for one of the kids as a stocking filler for the occasion)! then leg it up to the Eden project to sing with the choir there, followed by ice skating; and finally, drop kids back at home before racing over to Toby's 50th birthday party at Boscownoon. Exhausted already just thinking about it.

Busy day today also. Spent a fair bit of time making phone calls and dealing with administrivia.
Had to go to the library to print off completed story for Mslexia. Bashed out a couple of emails while I was there. Wandered round in town for ages trying to think of/find presents for the Australian contingent; kept getting sidetracked, looking at things that would be good for anyone but who I was meant to be buying for. Typical! Took so long, I didn't have enough time to get them all wrapped and parcelled up – that'll have to be tomorrow morning's job I guess, will leave me the afternoon free to get some college work done. The week's flying past and I feel like I've not written anything useful. Am pleased with the revamped Losing the Plot story, but really, I should be getting on with assignments and bloc articles. Need to write up the Kurt Jackson interview soon, before it all gets forgotten. Add to the book reading blog. Get that 12 page story on the go for Derrek, not to mention the essay (what was he thinking?). Much too much.

At least it looks as if I've sorted out a work placement ok. Cornish World, here I come. Have arranged a meeting with Nigel, the editor, on Monday, so better grab hold of a copy, bone up on it, and try and come up with some possible feature article ideas? Ask intelligent questions and all that.

Picked up the massive TV etc.. it's hideous, outrageously over-sized, dominating the entire downstairs room. Had to commandeer Daisy to help me unload it from the car – was like wheeling a robot across the road, as it's bolted onto this ugly stand, and looks quite space age in a black plasticky kind of a way. The woman was fretting something rotten because she couldn't find the remote that goes with the VCR, and he was fretting that it wouldn't fit in the fiesta. Luckily it did. He also made a big song and dance about easing it in, and insisted on tying it up. Have to make sure I return the rope now. Still don't know why I went ahead and got it, even if it was free – it's just so awful. May have to go after Xmas I think. We'll watch loads of vids, and then pass it on.

Such a palaver collecting the damn thing that Billy was late to see the doctor – needed some cream for the fungal itch under is arm pit. A right rush to get dinner sorted and Billy off to sing with the choir at St John's Hall. Couldn't stay, as had to be over in St Ives. Tomorrow night is the school carol concert which I'll only be able to sit through some of, before making a swift departure, off to the Acorn for a fake U2 gig. Should be interesting.

Disappointed I couldn't hang out with G for a bit tonight – getting rather fond of him I think. Probably for the best though, as it's nearly 2am already. Feel as if I'm coming down with something too – possibly a dreaded cold. And I definitely don't want one of those for Christmas!



Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Losing the plot

Spent most of the day tweaking my 'Losing the Plot' story, ready to send off tomorrow. Will have to go first class to have any chance of meeting the deadline, Friday the 15th. Will also need to post poems off tomorrow for the same reason, not to mention Australia parcels as the recommended last date for that was today. A hamper for us arrived today also, from Al and Wanda. A sneaky peek revealed things like chocolate-covered macadamia nuts and Arnotts Tim Tams. We-hey!

Barely been out of the house at all. A quick dash in the car to drop Eddie off at the station to catch his bus to college. He's still in a lot of pain – getting worse he says – which is not good.

Sorted the little kids out for school when I got back, Lucy needing cooking ingredients again: pasta with a cheeses sauce again. Not a great deal of variety on the menu. She has to make the same dish tomorrow, with the addition of peas, pistachio nuts, and some breadcrumbs. Interesting.

Found a few Xmassy gifts to drop round at Jojo and Simon's, but didn't have any wrapping paper, or a proper card or anything, so all a bit naff really. Especially in comparison to what they gave us. Beautifully assembled homemade mulled wine kit, a jar of homemade mincemeat, and a bumper box of chocs. Jojo was being really sweet too, very aware of how low-key our Christmas is going to be without any family around. I guess the kids will be ok, as they'll get to hang out with the Read clan for a few days post December 25th. See all their cousins and get spoilt by the grandparents. And eat loads of crap.

Why am I being so funny about Xmas this year? It really shouldn't be such a big deal. Probably just another off-shoot of being tired and over-stressed. Will be relieved to see the other side of it though, that's for sure. Not looking forward to the kids' lack of excitement when they open their presents. Things that they don't want, as usual.

Have arranged to pick up a TV, VCR and DVD player off of free-cycle. The telly sounds as if it's going to be monstrously large, but maybe the other things will be ok? Not sure why I'm bothering as don't really want the stuff, but I guess the kids will. Merry Xmas kidlets, from me.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Humbug

Difficult to escape this Xmas fervour. A pile of cards is mounting up on the table; probably time to string them up on the walls. Lucy, heavily hinting that we need to get a tree sorted. Futile attempts on my behalf to track down mum's new address in Adelaide so I can get a present/season's greetings to her (not that it matters cos I haven't bought her anything yet). Diary stacked full of events next week – carol singing concerts, book club annual do, Funny Feather's jazz Christmas party, Kneehigh Xmas show, Pondlife busking...dinners...dates...it's all too much really.

Kicking myself that I forgot we were meant to be going to Jojo's tonight – they're off to Spain first thing tomorrow morning, and wanted to give us our Xmas presents before they left. Just went clean out of my head; big mistake, not writing it in my diary. Feel terrible though as it was me that suggested coming round in the first place, and at the time, I was at home, plonking away at this wretched keyboard but not actually accomplishing very much. Will have to get up ultra early in the morning now to ferret under Rosie's bed in the present box to see if there's anything suitable I can off-load on them. Think there's some half decent boys toys, but not sure about grown-ups.

Definitely getting me down though, wondering what we're going to do on the day. Felt ridiculously sad when Graham mentioned about his families' secret Santa gift-giving they do each year. Not that I was bothered about that so much, was just jealous of the whole 'family' concept – really miss not being a part of a bigger/extended family, and wished I'd been invited. Will have to try and make the day nice, and special, somehow for the kids, just don't know how I guess.

Back late from a lovely meal at Laura and Richard's. At least I'm part of an established couple then in their eyes. Went to the Star session briefly, my first time, but too tired to appreciate really. Too tired to do this as well. Bed.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Sunday come down

Think I'm all partied out. Have a dinner invitation at Daisie's to get through yet, followed by the next screening held at Frank and Cazza's film club. Briefly attended the Acorn staff Xmas gathering do – didn't make the meal, but had a chat – too tired to do very much at all. Thought a swim might perk me up so went and did my statutory laps, 70 in all, but seemed to have the opposite effect. Can barely move my arms, and am totally shagged now, ready to crawl off to bed. A real effort to drive Lucy up to the disco party she was invited to; such an effort to change gears/turn the steering wheel.

I blame the cake – Ed's super special birthday cake which was totally spacey. Still in recovery mode now I think, having been vacant all day long. Hate being so incompetent, should leave well alone really. Just didn't want to be left behind. Kind of put a little dampener on the party proceedings though last night, as everyone seemed to take a dip in energy. The most we managed was a short flurry of wall climbing/corridor negotiating. Exhausting past time. Got cajoled into participating in a mad drinking game, and marvelled at the firework display. But given that we had the run of this groovy castle, it was surprisingly lack-lustre, and we all had a relatively early night. Damn shame. Cool to sleep over in such a fab building though!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Blog off

Yesterday didn't happen. Failed to blog, and so it would seem that the day didn't exist – not documented, so isn't real. Struggling to re-call what did actually take place yesterday? Shopping at Lidl's, vast amounts. Mini domestic blitz. Another last-ever-surf-'til-summer over at Perranuthanoe;

another flounder in the white water with me wondering what the hell I'm doing – call myself a surfer? Hardly. Getting worse and worse every time. Still not as cold as I'd expected, but the car park aftermath is a killer.

Did my 'helpful parent' bit at the Heamoor Xmas fete – taking the money for the kids to see Santa in his grotto. A pound! Bit steep I thought, but all for a good cause I guess; swelling the PTA coffers, subsidising things like future theatre trips/outings etc..so ultimately it does benefit the whole school.

Disappointed not to win anything in the raffle – some good prizes going. I had my eye on the return tickets x2 for a trip to the Scilly Isles, or the leisure centre membership for a month, or even the computer data stick. But as it was, we came away with nothing – not even the lame pack of blank greeting cards, or the box of fruit teabags.

Was still chilled to the bone, and sitting around assisting the official Santa elf didn't help any. Cooked a nice winter warming meal, which Graham came round to share with us before we both headed down to the Acorn – just like old times, with Graham an unofficial helper. I'd got the dates wrong though, and he wasn't meant to be coming in til the following Saturday. Oh well, he blagged his way in, and it was really nice to have him around. Even just having him sat at the bar was nice, nice to look at him. Freshly shaven, always makes me melt – I could've stared all night (I'm getting right soppy in my old age).

Was a strange crowd in, and not nearly as busy as we'd been expecting, which is fine. Stayed behind for a bit of a staff knock-off drink. Was quite a giggle, and ended up offering Beth a bed for the night at mine, cos she couldn't drive home. Really nice to get to know her a bit better but didn't realise it was so late – 3.30am by the time me and Graham climbed into bed.

He's continuing to be incredibly sweet and attentive – for how much longer one's tempted to ask? Makes me feel all gooey snuggling up to him in bed, knowing that he's happy to be there/happy for me to be there. Ok, we got bugger all sleep, but well worth it I think. Sleeping alone can be good too, but especially on these cold, wintry nights, company's the way forward.


So, to today then? Beth had snuck home early, and we dragged ourselves out of bed at half ten for Graham to take Mojo to the vets, have her drainage tubes reviewed – coming out on Monday. Had a phone call from Sarah saying she needed to talk – relationship trauma, and by all accounts, a messy, tangled weave. Damn shame, as lots of really lovely people involved/getting hurt. Not a lot I can do though, wish there was something I could do.

Sarah did come over for a cuppa, and joined us for a social lunch engagement thingy, that was at the house of Graham's land's co-owners. A fellow artist, they had some common ground, at least. Tried too late to organise Rosie a lift with Wendy over to Praa sands to support Lou in her 'Worst Surfer' contest, so of course immediately felt guilty for going ahead and making nice social arrangements for me to do stuff over the weekend, but failing to sort me kids out. Likewise, felt bad about abandoning poor Eddie yet again, (although it turned out, he went off filming some mates body boarding at Porthchapel). Tried to get hold of Lucy to make sure she got where she needed to be today, to get a lift to Carbis Bay for a party. Wasn't answering her phone, so sent a reminder text as well. Later, I picked up a message from her saying that she was locked out the house again. Great. Will really feel bad if she missed the party. Hope Billy didn't miss going to nippers as well.

Terrible, here I am, the first weekend off with the kids at Terry's and not my responsibility, and all I've been doing is fretting about them – crazy. Should be able to relax, switch off. But just can't. Maybe I'm not such a bad mother after all?

Been nice to spend some time with Graham. He's just popped back to his to feed Mojo and pick up her medicine, before we head off to the next event – Ed's birthday dinner at Carn Brea. Having stuffed myself stupid at this buffet lunch party today, feel as if I couldn't face food ever again. Insisted we went for a brief walk in the latter part of the afternoon too – partly for the fresh air, needed to wake up a bit, but also an attempt to shift some of the stodge in my belly! (Swear my stomach's shrunk – sure I used to be able to eat way more than that and not suffer after).

Will have to do my best tonight, impolite not to eat, and besides, am paying for it. Ordinarily I'd be dead excited about the prospect of heading off to a castle/folly little restaurant; not having to worry about drinking because we're all sleeping over. A mini adventure. But I'm feeling so sluggish, so sleepy, really can't be asked. Hopefully will snap out of it when we get there – that first glass of wine's bound to do the trick. Better rustle up a birthday card before we go – hope he likes the croquet set. Not your standard 30th birthday present I know, but something that we as kids used to love playing. And when he and Heidi have their business up and running, lots of land, smooth green lawns etc.. will be ideal.

Time to hit the road now. Party here we come!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

End point

Feel as if I've ground to a halt; so relieved our contact time has ceased until the new year. Not sure I could've struggled on much longer – total mental and physical energy drain. Am plum tuckered out.

Didn't make it to band practice lat night, but did end up soaking in the bath with one of Rosie's tacky girlie magazines – a much needed bit of down time. With no time to breathe, let alone relax right now, I suspect that if I didn't slack off/take time out, I'd spontaneously combust. Blow up. And it would all end in tears.

Lovely evening with the group, celebrating the end of term together. Posh, overpriced food, but it was great to get the chance to chat socially for a change. Find out histories, and personal stories. Should be more of it I say. Would be so magical to be free of responsibilities, attachments and commitments – just live the life of a no-strings, no-worries student. Dream on I say.

Came home to delightful, chirpy children: Eddie with his latest cast, Rosie fresh from a productive day at college, Lucy, recently bathed, all sweet-smelling and shiny, and Billy about to go in, covered in rugby mud.

Nice to have a bit of a natter, and I did help Lucy with her Bronte family homework (no escaping Wuthering heights et al.). But now, having laboriously gotten some tea down me, I need to get to bed. Close my eyes – sink back into prescient nothingness. Must be getting late, or I'm tired, or both 'cos I'm talking absolute bollocks. Crap. Shouldn't be allowed. G'nite.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

No news is good

As expected, car failed it's test, but surprisingly enough, not as badly as I thought it would. Had I gone with my first instinct to take it to Badgers Cross garage, who have always been so lenient to me in the past, I'm sure it would've been fine. Too late now. Mind you, had I gone with my instincts I would've scrapped the damn thing months ago – written off the £120 purchase price, and spent the extortionate amount of money that's been poured into it since then to get it on the road, on a decent, newer, road-worthy vehicle. Sigh.

So back to Graham's workshop it is then – hopefully not for too long, as Brian, the fiesta, dies tomorrow. Knowing my luck at the moment, I'm bound to have a crash, and my insurance will be invalid. All that official changing of paperwork yet another headache to deal with. Getting to the point when I just want to ostrich; forget about everything and hope that it sorts itself out. And don't mention the X word. Still no idea what we'll actually be doing on the day. Just being family I guess. That should be enough really.

Exam this morning was foul. I did spectacularly badly, but don't think I was the only one. We hadn't had anywhere near enough tuition, or exposure, to the exercises we were meant to be doing – no hands-on practice to the extent that was expected in the two papers. And then we were supposed to exchange work, and mark each others according to the real pieces that our tutor had produced from the same raw material. Talk about mission impossible? Editorial decisions are subjective anyway, but to make a judgement on someone else's work, comparative to hers was completely unrealistic?! Fortunately, others agreed with my comments that this was an unfair expectation, and our papers will now be marked by her (or not, as the case may be). Watch this space.

Really disheartening though. Left college today dismayed and disappointed. Glad tomorrow is our last, as can't keep the momentum any longer. By the time I'd grabbed some bits and pieces in town, completed the bank form for my CDL loan, written a letter to the kids' grandparents to try and organise them meeting up around Xmas time, and posted them both, cooked dinner etc... I'd totally run out of steam. Ended up watching a weird DVD I'd borrowed to entertain housebound Eddie, Coffee and Cigarettes, but all I could think about the whole time was coffee. Had to stop, and make some half way through.

Nearly 8pm, have to pick Lucy up from gym now, dash to the Acorn, and then try and make the last gasp of band rehearsal. Or just come home, need the sleep, that's for sure.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

And these the brakes

Great, it's 2am, and we have a 3hr editing exam tomorrow for which I have done no prep yet whatsoever. So exhausted I want to cry. Doesn't bode well for my performance – crash and burn, could be nasty.

Have just returned from a long, cold, frustrating and disheartening evening trying to help sort out my blue car, ready for its MOT in the morning. The test run across the moors resulted in a smoky return to the workshop – the new brake shoes seized on, and the smell of something hideous burning. Took ages to pull them apart, and put them back together again, several times over, before the problem was solved (well, hopefully is solved).

No way it's going to pass though – just hoping it wont be a total right-off/cost a bomb. Least not for Graham's sake who has spent hours and hours on it on my behalf. Said I'd pay him in sex, but as he gets it for free now anyway, not exactly what you'd call a bargain. Could rant and rave about the whole car saga for ages, but shan't, as feeling shit. Been a pretty shit day all round, apart from the fact that I did my CV thingy today (with much needed help from the tutor) so one less assessment piece to worry about.. Still have to tackle the dreaded website though.

I stink of oil, dirt, diesel and grime. Shower still not fixed and I so hate baths. Going to have to scrub up, and collapse into bed. Forgot to buy teabags - again. Only two more days at college. Hallelujah – I sure do need a break!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Thems the breaks

Broken dreams, that'll be what Eddie will be having tonight. Getting to sleep could be a problem, what with the pain, discomfort, and a hefty great cast on. And then once asleep, no doubt he'll be tormented by visions of plaster, crutches, slow-mo re-runs of that infamous tackle. Poor thing is going to be out of action for quite some time. Feel even more bad mother-ish than ever; because he hobbled from the fracture clinic to the bus, to college, then back to the bus and finally home up the hill, and kind of overdid it. Was too mobile too soon, which compressed his original cast out of shape – became too tight and constricting, plus exacerbated the injury, making it incredibly painful. Ended up back in A&E here to have the 12hr old cast cut off, and a replacement one put on. Bummer. Was the same nurse, who accused us of stalking her as this was the third visit up there in less than a week.

Must say he's being amazingly good-spirited about the whole thing, although obviously devastated by the repercussions. This cast is a temporary one for two weeks, after which he'll have a 'Wayne Rooney boot' for at least six weeks. No chance of getting in the sea and body boarding or surfing for 3months or so, and not fully healed for a further 3months. So that's blown snow boarding out for him as well. Feel terrible that there's nothing I can do to help. And he's going to be stuck in the house bored out of his brain for the next few days at least. Doctors orders, he gas to stay off it, rest, and keep it elevated. So no college either – he's going to get so far behind, and he was just starting to make some progress there.

Will have to make a point of playing some games, spend time chatting – maybe try to borrow some dvd's from the college library before we break up for Xmas, just so he doesn't feel too abandoned; combat some of the boredom. Will have to tell my mum, and maybe get in touch with his paternal grandparents to muster up some sympathy. He's had such a run of bad luck lately.

Heard from Wendy today re her medical crisis – results unequivocal, which apparently means she has to go up for more tests tomorrow. Says she's ok about it, but how can she be? I'd be panicking, absolutely terrified. She's made of some stern stuff that lady. Total respect. Really hope it turns out to be benign. Don't know what I'll do if it's cancer; won't know how to help and I hate being useless. Like the hypochondriac I am, I keep feeling for the weird little lump under my arm pit, but it's definitely less painful now, and it's much smaller, so must be a boil or a pimple. Plagued by spots/bad skin at the moment – my chin's a disaster area. So embarrassing at my age.

Busy day today all round. Manically cleaned the bathroom first thing, only to have the shower people ring up and cancel the installment of a new one, due to their engineer ringing in sick. Went over to Graham's, via Halfords to pick up some more Maritime Blue spray paint, and a bottle of T-cut (whatever the hell that is – some kind of restorative polish?). Hoovered and washed down throughout, and scrubbed the outside. Now it's been put back together again it doesn't look too bad. A miracle considering the state it was in only a week ago. Not too pleased about the text msge I got tonight though, saying that the back brakes are no good – parts needed. And that he's found another hole to be welded. Also, going to have to buy new tyre(s). Expect there'll be something else as well, just hoping like hell it'll get through, and without being mega expensive.

Nice to hang out at Graham's even though it's muddy and every thing's all manky. Can't help but still feel all melty when I look at him. Can't explain it, or understand why – it makes no sense, so I guess it must be lurve. I suggested that we christen the car when it eventually passes, by having a candle-lit shag in it – maybe at some beauty spot with a view. Have to choose a name, possibly Rusty, seeing as we've inherited the tradition with poor old Brian. Will be sad to see him go – an end of an era. The places we've been and seen, all those camping expeditions, and the many nights it's been slept in – our home away from home. Such a shame, he was so good, so reliable. Fingers crossed, his successor will do him proud.

Interview with Kurt Jackson was brilliant, so inspiring. His work's fantastic, and such a privilege to see his studio, view loads of his paintings. He was great to talk to; pity I couldn't get the mini-disc thing to record again, so will have to rely on the notes we took to write up the article, but hey-ho, thems the breaks (to keep with the theme). Will expand on what pearls we gleaned tomorrow, as don't want to start a new page, and need to get some sleep in myself. Sweet dreams needed all round.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Laziness, apathy, setting in

I just can't be bothered. It's late, and I want to go to bed – don't want to whitter on about my dull, uninspiring day. Have a splitting headache, and all I can think about is paracetamol and being horizontal. Was up until three thirty last night. Ok, so I had a lie in until 10.30am, but it still wasn't enough. Didn't feel any more refreshed or anything. Have struggled zombie-like through the day ever since.

Roused myself enough to sort breakfast, and make packed lunches, before dragging the kids off to Trevarno gardens. Free entry today because of a craft fair. Needed more time though, to look around the gardens proper – poke my head in the museum maybe. But we had to be in Hayle for the kids to do juniors, so it was a very cursory glance over the stalls indeed, and the hopes that I may well find the perfect gifts for everyone, were far from realised. Didn't really end up buying anything, other than a very ordinary cake each, and a hand warmer for Lucy. Did end up pilfering a bar of handmade soap from their toilets though – extremely bad form. On-line confessions – truth will out!

Sat in the car, shivering, while they did their thing. Tried to get some writing done, but couldn't fight the zeds, and soon nodded off. Browsed through the Free Time section in the Cornishman when I came to, looking at all the things that I don't actually have free time to see or do.

Called in at Down the Line surf shop on the way back, to get Eddie's board repaired – the one Rosie trashed when last she used it. Will probably cost too much, but nice to have a chat with Ryan. As cute as ever, and it was his birthday today! A youthful twenty-eight. We may both be horses, but I guess that's about all we have in common. Pity.

I'd forgotten to take my mobile with me, so it was really nice to find a dinner invitation message left on it when we got back. Gave me a chance to run Eddie up to casualty to have his foot reviewed, not that it did a lot of good. He's fed up with the pain now, and has been referred to the fracture clinic in Truro tomorrow, where he may or may not have it plastered. Super bad mum hasn't even offered to take him up – am willing to run him down to the bus station in the morning, but that's as far as it goes.

Lovely meal at Wendy's – she certainly knows how to cook a roast. Perked me up a bit that's for sure. And it was nice that Graham made it along, even though he was fretting about leaving Mojo alone in his van; looked as though he was feeling slightly uncomfortable about the whole thing. Fun to play the rock pop trivia game again, brilliantly hosted by question maestro Billy. Good to spend some socialising time with the kids for a change.

So tried not to feel too resentful that I wasn't at the funky gig at Falmouth after all. And tried to pass on some positive, healing vibes to Wendy, who finds out the results of her breast biopsy tomorrow. Poor love – fingers crossed.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Oh so weary

What a naff way to spend a Saturday night? Forcing words out to produce some writing. Writing on Not Writing funnily enough, but I ain't laughing now cos I'm cold, hungry, and very, very tired.

As the earlier part of my exciting evening consisted of dressing up as a pirate (that's twice in the last month – bit of a trend there), to participate in the surf club's entry into the Hayle Illuminated Carnival, an activity which involved standing around freezing my pirate tits off in gale force winds, prior to walking up, and back down, an interminably long high street, I am not feeling particularly jolly – Roger? Wow, that sentence could just about rival one of Catherine Cookson's very own: 72 words in total!

Well I hope sacrificing any chance of having a fun night out has earned me some suitably good mother points, and enabled me to tick another item from an exhausting list of 'pieces of writing to do', off. Can't wait until I'm free again, free of the tyranny of study and deadlines.

Not even a third of the way through (sigh).

Friday, December 01, 2006

The countdown's begun

Last year I got into terrible trouble for failing to buy advent calendars in time. Not so subtle reminders were heaped upon me daily, up until a week before the big event, but of course by then, they couldn't be bought for love or money. I traipsed round every shop, every supermarket, every place imaginable in search of tacky Santa-scene cardboard calendars, containing motif squares of nasty-tasting chocolate. My name was mud – how's that for bad mother status? Right up there on the league table I should imagine.

So this year I had to be extra sure that calendars were purchased in plenty of time. It was Eddie who suggested I buy them 3months ago. For some reason he was in Lidls with me, bizarre, as he never ordinarily accompanies me on food-shopping trips. He noticed them at the check-out and said we should get some. I immediately pooh-poohed the idea, I mean, how ridiculous, not even October yet, and thinking about Xmas prep? However, having thought about it further, I could see the logic. I'd only have to go on a special advent calendar mission soon enough, and couldn't risk a repeat performance of last year's calendarlessness.

This morning then, the dear kiddies ripped open that first choo-choo train square, and so now, we're well on our festive way. Well,actually, strictly speaking that's not really true. I'd be quite happy to skip Xmas, cancel it. My system is about to go into melt-down and I can't cope with any more stress. Just the thought of having to go shopping, choose presents, and organise a fun-filled day leaves me totally cold. I'm panicking that I haven't sent anything to anybody in Australia yet, especially to my mum. But she's moved, and I don't even have a forwarding address. Rosie says she's doing some English course work on 'why I hate Christmas'. I'm with her all the way.

And on top of that, I've had a shitty day – don't want to be awake for any more of it. Bed.